Paging Jerkey! Ms. SMF "Jerkey" To The Front Desk!

9.30.2005
Ore : 8:25 AM

Halloween's only a month away, and like any stylin' queer chica, you will want a costume with a maximum of "High Concept" and a minimum of fuss -- something that screams "I'm politically aware," yet doesn't skimp on bad taste. Well, look no further:


Meet...Brownie England!

This drag king will rock you like a hurricane. Talk about a bad apple!

To complete the effect, link arms with a hulking gay boy willing to get up like fashion plate and all-around Galsquatch Karen Huge.

(Hat tip to Mlle. Vestal Vespa for inspiration.)


posted by teh l4m3 at 8:25 AM | Permalink | 2 be jibber-jabberin'

Luncheon Meat


Ore : 7:45 AM

'Cos Oscar Mayer has a way/
With re-com-bin-ant DNA

(Hat tip to SA for pic, current frivolous and tasteless mood)

posted by teh l4m3 at 7:45 AM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

OH FUCK N0EZZ!!!

9.29.2005
Ore : 8:16 PM

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

posted by teh l4m3 at 8:16 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

The Weasel Sings!


Ore : 7:36 PM

Her Royal Majesty Judith Miller, Queen of All Fucking Iraq, finally belts out the aria so many of us have been dying to hear her sing. And it's pretty anticlimactic.

Her source was Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, reported the Times, which supported her contention that her source should be protected.

And if Judy was protecting a whistle blower, the Times would be right (more specifically, they'd be following their own editorial policy) to sing her praises as a martyr of the First Amendment. But that judge knew what Pete Yost and the rest of us know:

The reporters' sources — rather than being whistle-blowers exposing wrongdoing and facing retaliation if identified — are government officials whose motives in leaking appear to have been to undermine the credibility of a critic of the Bush administration.

posted by teh l4m3 at 7:36 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

Constance Baker Motley, 1921-2005


Ore : 9:08 AM

Let's take a moment to remember a fine human being: Women's Hall of Famer, judge, lawyer, senator and civil rights warrior Ms. Constance Baker Motley, who died Tuesday in New York at the age of 84. She will be sorely missed, but she got a hell of a lot done while she was here.

~“Something which we think is impossible now, is not impossible in another decade.”

One way to celebrate her great gift of advocating for justice in America might be to contribute what you can to the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund. Or at least pay them a visit (check out the nifty Flash timeline).

(Thanks to Armando for the head's up.)

posted by teh l4m3 at 9:08 AM | Permalink | 1 be jibber-jabberin'

teh l4m3 is now teh branch manager

9.27.2005
Ore : 9:09 AM

Dig it, folks: I am now no longer a mere assistant librarian at my local library. I am now...The head librarian of my own branch!

I am excited at this brilliant opportunity to let my organizational skills, my love of literature, and my down-wit'-da-Dewey-ness shine like the output of a thousand quasars. Within the year, I am going to triple our circulation, and turn our modest little hall-of-stacks-with-a-desk into the third most popular community gathering place after the bar and the Mexican bakery. We're talking seasonal and holiday story times and open mic nights and a weekly Library blog that gives the high schoolers a chance to be their own stars in a neverending narrative. We're talking adult literacy programs and three more stops for the age-5-and-under ImagiBus. Mine is going to be the hottest biblioteque in rural Northern Cali in which to see and be seen.

To be sure, there is some trepidation: Nobody's been a regular librarian there for a year. Means tons of cleaning up. And of course, there will be the quotidian battles with local holy rollers heck-bent on banning the latest bete noir of the American Family Association. There will be black widows and wasps. The worst, however, will be a certain amount of local hostility.

I went to high school for three years in this town. I'm acutely aware of the prevailing culture of anti-intellectualism. More personally and specifically, there is quite a bit of bad blood between a certain group of locals and the head office due to the downsizing of the previous librarian.

I know this town. I know that everyone is related to just about everyone else. I'm well aware of how long a community like this can hold a grudge. I expect to get shitloads and earfuls from disgruntled locals who hate change and can't understand why this piss-ant interloper has replaced their aunt/cousin/great-grandmother/sister-in-law's niece.

It's going to be an uphill battle. But I am going to make this library work and get everyone to love me even if I have to kill half the town to do it!

Wish me luck!


BASIC TO-DOs

* Clean and weed the stacks.
* Properly archive all the periodicals, track my EBSCO subscriptions and gifts, create card catalog for magazines and newspapers, etc.
* Re-organize reference/locked-room section, paying particular attention to geneology materials; update County books (the ones with all those by-laws and ordinances and stuff).
* Clean out computers.
* Clean and update displays, bulletin board.
* Kill those fucking wasps.
* Put out feelers for expanding the ImagiBus's exposure.
* Create branch e-mail address.
* Accumulate on-the-fly materials for entry into Millennium system.
* Trace lost/missing materials, issue notices and late fees for on-the-fly materials.
* Check and, where necessary, replace: slippery floor warning signs, fire extinguisher, first-aid kit, evacuation sign.
* Issue new Millennium-coordinated library cards (mine is the only branch which is not completely up-to-date with the new system. Most patrons still have those ghetto-ass old blue cards.)


GRAVY

* Halloween decorations, schedule Halloween story time. Plan ahead for Thanksgiving, Hanukah/Christmas/Kwanzaa, New Years, President's Day, Easter.
* Create promotional materials.
* Create branch website, blog.
* Compile procedure manual/guidebook for subs and possible future replacements.
* Use various media (bulletin boards, contacts at local groups [churches, VFW, High School clubs, grange hall, etc.], newspapers, teh 1nt3rn3tz, etc.) at my disposal to boost the library's visibility in, and convince others of its relevance to the community.
* Schedule a one-hour-a-week creative writing club for teens (open to regular and alternative high schools).
* Open mic night/poetry slam.
* Invite local authors (yes, we have a few) to speak at the library.
* Encourage and make space for a weekly or biweekly senior book club.
* Facilitate a reading program between likely high schoolers and the elementary school.

Got an idea? Put it in the comments, and I'll shamelessly steal it!

posted by teh l4m3 at 9:09 AM | Permalink | 7 be jibber-jabberin'

"My, that's a cute dress, Mr. Anderson."

9.25.2005
Ore : 10:26 PM

For the last time, they're rosaries, not ANAL BEADS!!!

This was too cute to pass up. Does this replace Trinity with an altar boy?

(I had no idea the Oracle baked communion wafers in addition to cookies until Martini Republic informed me...)

posted by teh l4m3 at 10:26 PM | Permalink | 3 be jibber-jabberin'

Sunday Alex Despatie Blogging


Ore : 10:11 AM

First, in the tradition of mdhatter (who is so going in the blogroll), I shall now quote from the Book of L4m3 23:5:

Support a good cause and get your drama on...

Words to live by. As opposed to Leviticus or Deuteronomy, which contain many words to be punitively killed by.

So now that that's out of the way...

..::]]__________[[::..

Shhh...Don't tell my new imaginary boyfriend Charlie, but it's time to visit an old flame, if only to reflect dreamily on what never could be -- a love that dare not list its number...







Sigh...

posted by teh l4m3 at 10:11 AM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

Saturday Randomosity

9.24.2005
Ore : 9:38 AM

* That fucking Dockers commercial. Sorry, but if you know the F Market line, you know damn well that no hook-up is sweet enough to hop off and wait 42 goddamn minutes for the next one.

* 'Fess up. At a friend's house a few years back. After a particularly informative episode of National Geographic, "V." asks "D.", "What's a 'chigger'?" "D." answers, "Rae Dawn Chong." I still feel bad about laughing at that one.

* Kim DuToit has a very tiny penis that performs inadequately. Okay, so we don't have Mssr. DuToit to kick around anymore. In his stead, why not enjoy a large bowl of snap, crackle -- oh no! Look out for that tree!!!

* I'll have a Hot Karl with pickles, please.

* These kind of things happen. Maybe illegal, maybe not, but definitely ugly. Probably reason #4,982 why you don't go to war unless absolutely necessary.

posted by teh l4m3 at 9:38 AM | Permalink | 4 be jibber-jabberin'

"Two minutes to curtain - where the hell is Bianca?"

9.23.2005
Ore : 8:25 AM

One problem with carefully staging press conferences so that the president knows in advance who will be asking what questions and can have answers rehearsed and prepared is that sometimes, the players might get stage fright and flee the production:

THE PRESIDENT: Bianca. Nobody named Bianca? Well, sorry Bianca's not here. I'll be glad to answer her question.

Q: I'll follow up.

THE PRESIDENT: No, that's fine. (Laughter.) Thank you though, appreciate it. Just trying to spread around the joy of asking a question.

Ooh, snap. Thank goodness at least Nedra the trouper remembered her lines!

So what happened to our heroine with cold feet? Who can tell? Less phlegmatic, more superstitious sources suggest Mlle. Davie been abducted by that fabled, gruesome Phantom of the Press Corps, Helen Thomas!

posted by teh l4m3 at 8:25 AM | Permalink | 2 be jibber-jabberin'

Aaron Carter Killed in Drive-by Shooting

9.22.2005
Ore : 11:41 PM

LOS ANGELES - Tragedy struck late last night as controversial musician Aaron Carter was shot three times, twice in the torso and once in the head, while exiting a Tommy Gun label party near Hollywood and Vine.

Carter was best known for his hit single "Bitch On My Nutz," from the album "Southside Don," a collaborative effort with underground artists Lil' Romeo and Bootsy Collins. He was currently working on a new album while battling the legal fallout from last year's scandal, in which a video tape emerged showing Carter engaging in sexual congress with a 14-year old.

A product of the hard streets of Compton, where he made a name for himself with his gritty, profanity-laced freestyle lyrics, Carter was the best-selling independent urban musician of 2003. His fans, from Oakland, California to the Bronx, are legion -- millions grieve even as they demand a thorough investigation by the LAPD.

The shooter, firing from the passenger seat of a white Escalade, has so far only been identified as a white female with shoulder-length brown hair, approximately 5'4", 20-25-years old, with unusually large breasts. Police are not ruling out a hit ordered by East Coast gang rivals.


posted by teh l4m3 at 11:41 PM | Permalink | 1 be jibber-jabberin'

Random Sirius 26 Blogging


Ore : 3:32 PM

Left of Center capsule reviews:

* "Where Soul Meets Body," Death Cab for Cutie: What Phil Collins would have sounded like if he collaborated with Paul Simon and had, you know, a modicum of talent. Catchy chorus. (7/10)

* "Clamour for Glamour," The Ark: Scissor Sisters with bigger, hairier, lower-hanging balls. Three of them, in fact. (6.5/10)

* "Wires," Athlete: The songwriting prowess of Chris Martin after 4 pints and the vocal range of Kim Carnes after a night in the gutter. Listenable if you like sappy and it's in the background. (3/10)

* "Club Foot," Kasabian: Will be writing the entire soundtrack for the next ultra-gritty, ultra-hip, ultra-jump-cutty, ultra-annoying Guy Ritchie cockney spoogefest. Jokes on you, Council House chavettes. (1.5/10)

* "Jessica," Adam Green: Gimmick song that punts a softball for first base. Lovely voice and accompaniment, though. (5/10)

* "Prison on Route 41," Calexico & Iron And Wine: Slow dance with your honey in a honky-tonk, then make out under a blood moon. Exquisitely pretty. (8/10)

* "Silent Sigh," Badly Drawn Boy: Carole King is in a medically induced coma. Pass the smelling salts. (3/10)

* "Fistful of Love," Antony And The Johnsons: I can see why he won a Mercury -- powerfully talented. But damn, has there been a singer/songwriter with a creepier presence since Tiny Tim? A chunky, white, warbly Nina Simone. (8/10)

* "My Way," Sex Pistols: I've been stabbed multiple times in the stomach in a dilapidated, roachtastic hotel room while sleeping off a junk binge. And I like it. (9/10 [Nostalgia and sentimentality figured in to this score])

LAST MINUTE BONUS: "Glosoli," Sigur Ros: Unintelligible, weird, and devastatingly beautiful. A symphony of emotion and otherworldly colors. A journey through a forest of lacey trees made of crystal. My new fave song. (8.5/10)

posted by teh l4m3 at 3:32 PM | Permalink | 2 be jibber-jabberin'

I'd Share A Foxhole With A Third-Level Troll

9.20.2005
Ore : 11:10 PM

But as the night progresses, instead of getting more social, they start sharing odd, guilty looks. Dave won't let me be alone with them, ever, to the point of waiting for me outside of the bathroom, so that he can pounce on me as soon as I've finished washing my hands. He's glued to my side - he says to protect me from their weirdness. I'm flattered, but point out that I'm sure I'll be fine - I've dealt with gamer weird before. We hang out with them more times, all at my instigation, over the next few months, and I really like them. They invite me to play D&D with them, which Dave sits in on. He rolls my dice for me. Seriously. I tell Dave that it's okay - he can go to his fucking ninjitsu class, or whatever, because I WILL BE FINE. So then Dave pulls out a real shocker: the DM, the funniest and most down-to-earth guy, Chris, is actually a convicted rapist. They hang out with him for old-times sake, but I should never, never be alone with him.

If you didn't catch this on Something Awful, read it now, faithful minions.

It's an unusually compelling and well-written story. I found the denouemont less than sparkling, but that may be because I spent the entire time vacillating between uncontrollable laughter and nausea. It's that good.

posted by teh l4m3 at 11:10 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

Billary KKKlinton Spews Treason!!!


Ore : 3:06 PM

This is so typical of Soros and other limousine libs. Now, that rapacious, lying Whitewater-rafting speck of Arkansas white trash is in on the game, trying to instigate class warfare and turn good, hard-working , salt-o'-the-earth red staters against innocent, equally hard-working CEOs and heirs. Silly liberals -- the only way to finance our glorious Operation Iraqi Freedom is to cut what little there that helps run our country -- not raise taxes!!!

I think it's very important that Americans understand... tax cuts are always popular, but about half of these tax cuts since 2001 have gone to people in my income group, the top 1 percent. I've gotten four tax cuts. They're responsible for this big structural deficit, and they're not going away, the deficits aren't. ~ The Horndog on CNN

Argh!!! Doesn't he understand that when you cut taxes on the wealthiest 2%, it oozes -- some might say "trickles" -- down to those lucky duckies who should mind their place and not dare demand any more than the table scraps real Americans deign to give them?

"Big Dog indeed...that is, if you 'mean,' by big dog -- Cerberus!!!" ~ Kaye Grogan

Just what is this traitorous liberal's problem? Doesn't he know that in speaking out this way, he's working against his own best interests? I say, that Demoncrat propaganda certainly is invidious!

Hey, KKKlinton, stop being a class traitor and pay a little attention to my friend here, the heroic Governor of California (who, incidentally, really knows how to treat women):


Don't be stupid
Be a smahty
Come und join
Zee Republican pahty

Consider that a warning. Next time you suggest that the rich pay their fair share so that the country that's been so good to them can run properly, we're unleashing our rock of abstinence and capitalism Sir Grover Norquist on you!


posted by teh l4m3 at 3:06 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

Meet Charlie Day, BILF

9.19.2005
Ore : 1:55 PM

I would never have thought of giving It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Thurs. nights on FX) a second glance until I saw the scene with the adorable and massively chubby-inducing Chuckie D., Nazi raiment notwithstanding, chowing down on a banana: yes, the episode "Charlie Has Cancer." That would be the exact moment that basic cable, for the first time ever, gave me a granite-hard boner. Twisted, I know. This boy, IMHO, is the finest thing on prime-time basic cable.

See, I have this fantasy. It involves Prince and My Morning Jacket playing on the stereo, and many candles, and an outrageous amount of cocoa butter. And maybe a paddle. If you're lucky.

Now I'm addicted. The show, for a fan of the Amy Sedaris/Daily Show/Margaret Cho/Chris Rock kind of comedy (as I am), is only mildly amusing. And I sympathize with those Philadelphians who take issue with three cute young wisacres perpetuating their fair city's reputation for scuzziness. Regardless, whatever Sunny's deficiencies, Mr. Day's presence more than makes a watchable show impossible to tear myself away from.

Homina, homina, homina...

Though he may not exactly appreciate my fanly attentions, lets face it folks: good things* come in small packages**.

*My fat, throbbing knob.
**Charlie's cute, perky butt.

(Photos credit: Frostee and CharlieDay.net, natch)

posted by teh l4m3 at 1:55 PM | Permalink | 6 be jibber-jabberin'

"...bitches and nags. Literally!"

9.17.2005
Ore : 11:42 AM

Hey Condi, why the long face? Heh, heh, heh.

From Googlecache, because someone got some sense thumped into them real fast for this one, and the FDA page was quickly changed to reflect sensibilities that don't make Rick Santorum's look like Eve Ensler's. Which is good, 'cos otherwise, if Jenna fell into a ditch after a night of trashcan margaritas and broke a leg, we'd have to shoot her!

(Nod to the alarmingly intelligent and talented Chris Clarke, who in a just world would be the most-read blogger after Juan Cole.)

posted by teh l4m3 at 11:42 AM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

By The Fierce Power of Greyskull!

9.16.2005
Ore : 11:14 PM

What's goin' on?

posted by teh l4m3 at 11:14 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

State of The Shit-Eating Grin


Ore : 8:32 AM

He tried to suppress it through most of the bizarrely staged, poorly read speech, but it still bled through a bit. Combine that with the fact that his shirt was improperly buttoned, and the weird blue-wash-out effect, and the result was one really sad half-hour.

Today's guest blogging by Brian Williams:

I am duty-bound to report the talk of the New Orleans warehouse district last night: there was rejoicing (well, there would have been without the curfew, but the few people I saw on the streets were excited) when the power came back on for blocks on end. Kevin Tibbles was positively jubilant on the live update edition of Nightly News that we fed to the West Coast. The mini-mart, long ago cleaned out by looters, was nonetheless bathed in light, including the empty, roped-off gas pumps. The motorcade route through the district was partially lit no more than 30 minutes before POTUS drove through. And yet last night, no more than an hour after the President departed, the lights went out. The entire area was plunged into total darkness again, to audible groans. It's enough to make some of the folks here who witnessed it... jump to certain conclusions.

Suckas.

posted by teh l4m3 at 8:32 AM | Permalink | 1 be jibber-jabberin'

Whither The Erstwhile Hero?

9.15.2005
Ore : 11:53 AM

Lest anyone think I always give my fellow liberals a free pass, this Garrison Keillor bullshit is forehead-slappingly, groaningly stupid and sad. What the hell is wrong with him? Isn't he supposed to have a sense of humor?

I expect this crap from Bill O'Reilly, not the author of Lake Woebegone.

posted by teh l4m3 at 11:53 AM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

The Best Part of Waking Up/Is Fascism In Your Cup


Ore : 9:48 AM

These guys support the Contras because they're freedom fighters. Oh, and ketchup is a vegetable.

What, you were expecting Janeane Garofalo?

posted by teh l4m3 at 9:48 AM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

"Us and Them"

9.13.2005
Ore : 12:38 PM

This may be old, but I just found it, and it is the reason driftglass is now in the blogroll. Very powerful stuff.

posted by teh l4m3 at 12:38 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

BREAKING: Pigs Fucking Fly


Ore : 10:07 AM

This just in, and is probably all over the internets, so I'll just point you to the delovely georgia10's DKos diary on the subject. And be sure to check out the comments: beautiful.

Bush, looking like he was swallowing a full bottle of rancid castor oil, said: "To the extent the federal government didn't fully do it's job right [in its response to Katrina], I take responsibility."

Of course, we're still waiting to hear if he accepts the consequences...

posted by teh l4m3 at 10:07 AM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

"I Hate Whites Day; The Bleach Smell Makes Me Nauseous"

9.12.2005
Ore : 9:52 AM


"Gee-gosh-golly-willikers, Mr. Dobson! They allow women at Promise Keeper rallies now? Talk about progressive!"

BTC News gives us a worm's eye view of yet another story in which the Bush Administration gives us yet more bloated bodies floating down America's streets...

Americablog gives us an example of freedom -- Bush style!

So remember, folks, be sure to walk in an orderly manner within the Freedom Cordon and use the bathroom before you come -- otherwise, you'll have to register and submit to retinal scan before you can use the Liberty Trough and take a Freedom Piss!

UPDATED: To add the good Rev. Mykeru's priceless discovery that at this Freedom Walk, enlistment forms:wingnuts::garlic:vampires. Gonzo documentary, attack!

posted by teh l4m3 at 9:52 AM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

Rock You Like A Hurricane

9.09.2005
Ore : 10:21 PM

After this horrible, shitty week, I needed a good laff.

posted by teh l4m3 at 10:21 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

Losing His Marbles


Ore : 2:32 PM


Ben A. Marble

My hero.

posted by teh l4m3 at 2:32 PM | Permalink | 2 be jibber-jabberin'

It's Official

9.08.2005
Ore : 1:33 PM

We are a nation run by sleazy assholes, idiots, and bigots.

posted by teh l4m3 at 1:33 PM | Permalink | 1 be jibber-jabberin'

Conservative Humor II

9.06.2005
Ore : 1:14 PM

Thought it couldn't get any worse than Mallard Fillmore? Well guess what: Hitlery's a lezzy! Haw, haw, haw!!!

posted by teh l4m3 at 1:14 PM | Permalink | 4 be jibber-jabberin'

Anne Rice

9.05.2005
Ore : 9:42 AM

Never been a fan of the vampire lady's purple prose, but who better to tell us just what it means to lose New Orleans?

(Gracias to Plutonium Page for the heads up; lots of great stuff in the comments, too.)

posted by teh l4m3 at 9:42 AM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

The Republican Response

9.03.2005
Ore : 11:03 PM

Passing the buck. Lying. Trying to will into existence a different reality. Oh, and best of all: defecting.

And I think we can all assume, ibid. re: foxholes, that there's no such thing as a libertarian in New Orleans.

PS: And as always, help.

posted by teh l4m3 at 11:03 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

Little Things; May Have Passed You By

9.02.2005
Ore : 1:11 PM

Trouble getting in touch with relatives and loved ones in the Gulf area? Incertus sez if landlines and cell phones aren't cutting it, be sure to try text messaging, as well.

In the Help Dept., ACORN is also a worthy receiver.

I take back a little bit about what I said regarding Jonah Goldberg. But just a little.

If you missed it, turns out that Fats Domino, who was once missing, has been found. Sweet.

Something Awful continues to find humor (the real kind, Jonah) and eloquence in the face of disaster. Read it or face the fury of the fists of the White Lotus, bitch.

posted by teh l4m3 at 1:11 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

Great. He's Posable. All Better.


Ore : 9:27 AM

From DailyKos and Think Progress:



I couldn't watch more than four minutes of his cartoonish pantomime gestures on CSPAN...Big retarded arm sweeps and poses accompanying each empty phrase and hollow bromide and self-congratulatory smirk.

But at least the base is finally getting their red meat: it took a while, but his handlers finally (a dollar short and a day late, natch) wheel out the prez his worshippers know and love, the strutting, flight-suited, brush-clearing, codpiece-wearing Action McLeader who is every right-winger's repressed homoerotic fantasy made flesh.

Great show, jackasses. I wonder how many more babies died of starvation and dehydration at the convention center while that ninny bloviated?

posted by teh l4m3 at 9:27 AM | Permalink | 3 be jibber-jabberin'

Help

9.01.2005
Ore : 2:05 PM

http://www.katrinahome.com/

http://www.afsc.org/

http://www.redcross.org/

http://www.catholiccharitiesusa.org/news/katrina.cfm

UPDATE: Almost forgot: http://www.rainbowfund.org/

UPDATE II: You know all those people at the Houston Astrodome? Houston Food Bank (http://houstonfoodbank.org/) will match every dollar you donate with $25.


posted by teh l4m3 at 2:05 PM | Permalink | 0 be jibber-jabberin'

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