Dear Col. Carter,
I'm a 17 year-old woman and a high school senior. For the past two months, I've been dating Ja'Bael, a 300 year-old Tok'Ra. I've never been more in love in my life, and I'm sure he's the one for me. The problem is my parents -- my Dad is convinced that Ja'Bael, the only man I would ever die for, is actually a Go'auld operative named Charshal!
I'm convinced my Dad's just pulling this out of his ass. I want to elope with Ja'Bael and get my own symbiote. My question is this: Can Ja'Bael be prosecuted for statutory rape if we go "all the way"?
Signed,
Dakota
Dakota:
Whatup girl! So your father has his doubts. Who wouldn't? But here's the problem: you and I both know that Ja'Bael is a straight up ninja. Your pops probably does, too -- he juss be hatin'.
My advice? You're never gonna get the love from your birth family you'll get from the ICP and the whole Psychopathic family, so don't sweat it. Next time you see Ja'Bael, ring up to his Alkesh, and make sure you elope in one of them Southern states. Or maybe Iceland -- their age of consent is only 14!
And remember: cotton candy don't get wet until it's in your mouth.
Much Muthafuckin Clown Luv,
Colonel Samantha J. Carter, USAF
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Dear Col. Carter,
Congratulations on your recent promotion! As a veteran myself, I salute you for your bravery and the many sacrifices you endure in defending our American way of life. Anyway, I'm just writing to hear your position on the Iraq War.
Thanks,
Markos
Dig it, Markos:
Although current international treaties prohibit the Stargate Program and technologies obtained thereby from being employed in a local conflict such as the Iraq theater, you and I are both aware of how straight up stale the current Administration be -- that redneck Richy Bush would have no problem sendin' all our muthafuckin' asses to the Echo Side!
Personally, I take my inspiration from The Amazing Jeckel Brothers Card of the Joker's Deck. Make of it what you will, Juggaloco.
Much Wicked Clown Luv,
Colonel Samantha J. Carter, USAF
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Salutations Col. Carter,
I have a problem. I am a ruthless, indescribably powerful higher being dedicated to the control, and failing that, the destruction of the known universe. Of particular concern at this juncture is an insignificant, blue-white planet in orbit around a puny, irrelevant G5 star located near the outskirts of the galaxy. Specifically, I have been thwarted time and again by that planet's dominant species. Even more specifically, a military group charged with defending said worthless speck of a planet.
How can I rid myself of this niggling pinch of humanity once and for all?
Warmest Regards,
Anubis
Mister Anubis,
Clearly, you're going about solving your problem all wrong. You've been thinking astronomically big and impressive, when you should be thinking small. The Ringmaster reminds us that all kinds can have clown love -- from the mightiest partially ascended Go'auld to (you guessed it!) the tiniest virus.
Stop focusing on the big gestures, and try something seemingly innocuous -- eradicate your problem with a modified version of influenza or HIV or some such.
The Dark Carnival awaits us all.
Juggalette4Life,
Colonel Samantha J. Carter, USAF
