Ooh, Ooh, Ooh!!!

12.14.2006
Ore : 12:31 PM

So I ordered a bunch of stuff with my branch's new little book-buying budget, right? And I'm still waiting! I got maybe one thing out of processing -- my incoming box today wasn't even half-full. Grr!

However: guess what our lease fiction people sent us?


Ohhhhh, yeeeeah. This is gonna suck.


And yes, it's every bit as shitty as the S,N! guys said.

I don't understand what happened to this man. Sure, a lot of his stuff is just Mormon mumbo-jumbo warmed over and sexed-up skiffy style, but I still thought some of his earlier books were above par. Granted, that doesn't take much in his chosen genre, but come on... I thought he did particularly well whenever he had to craft a character who was a teenage boy -- Card I found spot-on in his portrayals of the emotional tumoil and anger that come at that age.

But this? Allow me to crack this bad boy open completely at random. Okay, here we are: page 193, where the Canadian ambassador is reading bulletins provided him by the eeevul liebruls who invaded and are occupying Manhattan. I think; I'll make no attempts at contextualization, as time is short -- besides, no amount of context could make acceptable writing this craptacular:

"The military force that took over Manhattan affirms that not one civilian has been harmed."

"What a lie," said Coleman. "We saw one dead doorman [dead as a-? -- ed.] with our own eyes."

"They call themselves the Progressive Restoration. They declare that Progressives won the popular vote and the electoral vote for President in 2000, and only flagrant vote-stealing by the radical Right kept the duly elected President from taking office."

"Please say they're not bringing back Al Gore," said Reuben [An Inconvenient Truthiness? Also, this is about as funny as the book ever gets. -- ed.].

"Shut up, please, boys," said Cessy.

"Since stealing office, the usurpers trampled on the Bill of Rights, involved the United States in illegal and immoral foreign wars, destroyed the environment, oppressed minorities of every kind, imposed their brand of Christianity on the whole country, stifled scientific research, ran up huge deficits, and flaunted -- I'm sure they mean flouted --"

"He's correcting their grammar now," said Reuben [fiendish Canadians almost succeeded at making the liberal dodos look intelligent! -- ed.]

"Flouted world opinion and international law, and brought the world to the brink of disaster."

"They didn't mention Zionism," said Coleman. "What are they thinking?" [they're not thinking; they're two dimensional foils who are portrayed as having written that press release just so that you, one of the two dimensional protagonists, could use that line. -- ed.]


It just gets worse and worse. Not to mention more polemical and hamfisted at every turn. And in some cases, downright ungrammatical -- are his editors afraid of him or something?

Bonus excerpt from his now infamous, whiny afterward, in which he makes the following acknowledgement:

And [thank you] to Zina Card, who spent hours watching episodes of 24 with Kristine and me so I could keep in mind the rhythms and energy of an effective thriller...

Not even the ongoing perils of Jack Bauer could improve his writing. How odd.

posted by teh l4m3 at 12:31 PM | Permalink |

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Comments for Ooh, Ooh, Ooh!!!
psst, hey, are you still coming to town this weekend?

If so, please e-mail

no problemo.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Here's to facile, paranoid, right wing fantasy! Nein. Anyway, I think a far more plausible paranoid future-gaze is found in Octavia Butler's Parable books.

I don't think she had to watch some muck like 24 for inspiration; processing reality was enough.

Michael Crichton, Orson Scott Card, Lynne Cheney. . . it's like a Barnes & Noble of the damned.

Have fun with Fulsome, who never e-mails AG!! And don't let Pinko be a back talking aggressive bottom. Just bend him over and show him who is boss.

Stay away from John Ringo. He is even worse than this crap. His obsession with the military solution and the liberal conspiracies against it have ruined every book he has written.

I am confused.

A badly written story about a leftist Army taking over New York City and precipitating a civil war...whats not to love?

You look pissed off,” said Malich.

“Yeah,” said Cole. “The terrorists are crazy and scary, but what really pisses me off is knowing that this will make a whole bunch of European intellectuals very happy.”

“They won’t be so happy when they see where it leads. They’ve already forgotten Sarajevo and the killing fields of Flanders.”

“I bet they’re already ‘advising’ Americans that this is where our military ‘aggression’ inevitably leads, so we should take this as a sign that we need to change our policies and retreat from the world.”

“And maybe we will,” said Malich. “A lot of Americans would love to slam the doors shut and let the rest of the world go hang.”

“And if we did,” said Cole, “who would save Europe then? How long before they find out that negotiations only work if the other guy is scared of the consequences of not negotiating? Everybody hates America till they need us to liberate them.”

“You’re forgetting that nobody cares what Europeans think except a handful of American intellectuals who are every bit as anti-American as the French,” said Malich.


Ooooooo, he really sticks it to us liberals. What a pussy.

I liked Ender's Game. It is often amazing to me that someone can do a really nice thoughtful piece of work, and lurking behind that is a complete idiot. As strong an arguement for separating the art from the artist as there ever was...

I'm sure they mean flouted --"

"He's correcting their grammar now," said Reuben."


Jeebus, Josus, and Prada Pope on a Popsicle Stick, doesn't this imbecile know the difference between grammar and semantics?

"doesn't this imbecile know the difference between grammar and semantics?"

Ceramics.

I hear Dennis Miller is still on TV. no different. good, once.

i think it looks better like this:

THE MILITARY FORCA TAHT 2K OVAR MANHATAN AFIRMS TAHT NOT ON3 CIVILIAN HAS BEN WUT!111!! A LEI SADE COLAMAN!11!1!1 WTF LOL WE SAW ONA DAAD DORMAN WIT OUR OWN EYES
THEY!1!!111 WTF CAL THEMSELV3S TEH PROGR3SIEV R3S2RATION!1!1! OMG LOL THAY R TAHT PROGRESIEVS WON DA POPULAR VOT3 AND TEH EL3C2RAL VOT3 FOR PR3SIEDNT IN 200 AND ONLEY FLAGRANT VOTE-ST3ALNG BY TEH RADICAL RIGHT KEPT TEH DULEY ELECT3D PRESIEDNT FROM TAKNG PLZ!1!1! OMG WTF LOL SAY THERE NOT BRNGNG BAK AL GORA SADE REUBN [
SHUT!11!!! OMG WTF LOL UP PLZ BOYS SADE CESY
SINCE!1!!11!1! LOL ST3ALNG OFIEC TEH USURP3RS TRMPL3D ON TEH BIL OF RIGHTS INVOLV3D DA UNIETD STAETS IN ILEGAL AND IMORAL FOR3IGN WARS DASTROYAD TEH ANVIRONM3NT OPRESED MINORITEIS OF 3VERY KIND IMPOS3D THERE BRAND OF CHRISTIANITY ON TEH WHOLE COUNTRY STIFL3D SCEINTIFIC RESAARCH RAN UP HUGE DEFICITS AND FLAUNT3D - IMM SURA TH3Y MAAN FLOUT3D -
H3S CORECTNG THEYRE GRMMAR NOW SADE R3UBN

from this
  • Posted at 6:47 AM | By Anonymous almostinfamous

I agree with fish, hard to believe a guy who came up with the pretty decent Ender's Game could poop out something like this. It's what happens when you put politics ahead of art. This reads like Free Republic fan fiction

"the didn't mention zionism." once again, rueben couldn't help but be impressed with coleman's wit, which he was nearly as quick and on-target with as he was with the .45 they'd liberated from the only gun store in vermont a few weeks back. and, once again, rueben couldn't help but notice how his gaze lingered on coleman's surprisingly soft profile, his pale skin, and wispy blonde hair. grecian ideal, he thought, and smiled to himself.

it had been almost six months since that night near the front at ann arbor - just a week before they had taken the reconstituted Weathermen cell operating out of the college there - that coleman had sat with rueben outside their tents and drinking liquor they'd made from grape juice and alcohol they'd smuggled out of a local hosptial, and told rueben about "the grecian ideal."

"they want us less than who we are, rueben," said coleman. "this progressive restoration, see, the thing is that while the foundation is in the 1960s and what was then called the new left, the real drive for it came in the seventies." coleman spat into their campfire. "women's lib. the writings of doctor spock. diversity, whatever that means." coleman laughed. "all in opposition to the fount of civilization, rueben." he looked up, and rueben remembered realizing for the first time who it was coleman looked like: the actor who had played the heroic jack bauer. his name was long forgotten - it had been banned from all media after the kucinich putsch in 2010 - but while in college, rueben had spent long hours studying grainy vhs videotape of the actor, and of his many films. but coleman didn't look like the haunted, pinched man that actor had become when he played jack bauer. no, coleman looked...well, looked prettier than that. he looked like bauer when that actor had done another movie, back in the mid 1980s, about vampires.

coleman had set his bottle down and moved closer to rueben. "the grecian ideal, that's what we're fighting for, rueben." he reached out to rueben, unzipping his windbreaker. "men, engaged in the world of thought, in a world of action. men who don't fear other men's company. men who are sure of their bodies. men who aren't feminized, and know how to understand other men."

now coleman began to loosen the buttons on rueben's tunic. rueben was frozen with panic, with excitement - coleman was putting words to thoughts and feelings that had always been with rueben, but were denied him in this womanly brave new world.

"there's a place for women in the grecian ideal, rueben." coleman's breath was hot on rueben's neck. "but only a place. in the grecian ideal, men are free, because the world belongs to men." and with that, coleman kissed rueben, rough, passionately - kissed him with the same pretty vampire's mouth that belonged to the pariah and hero, one they only knew as jack bauer, so long ago.

awesome @ dex.

Dang! Dax. Whyn't you go an submit that to Ca'd's publisher, eh!

It sure has more integrity than his recent tripe.

it's like a Barnes & Noble of the damned.

LMAO! Bravo! Bravo indeed, Mr Vick!

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