We get it: you want something dramatic, but not too hip. A look that says "I'm a workmanlike actress and an exhausted single mom with several pilots co-starring Kevin Sorbo under my belt." You want a 'do that'll snag you the part of "Bar-B-Q Mom" in the next Dodge Hemi-whatever commercial.
In short, you want Basic Cable Hair!
What not to do
First, some styles to avoid: these are close to, but not quite "Basic Cable Hair."
Alicia Silverstone at the premier screening of her new movie, "The High School That Time Forgot."
Someone should tell Michelle that Fabio doesn't do book covers with racist fascists, even if said racist fascists look like lonely, windswept housewives.
Welcome to Krankor's Palace, gentlemen! HA...HA...HA...HA...HAAAaah!
And finally...
...let's face it: going Weird Science-era Kelly LeBrock will earn you nothing but major mojo at CBGB or 111 Minna these days. Yes, the AquaNet Meltdown (sweatband optional) is back, and it's just too cool for skool -- certainly too cool for basic cable!
For more examples of failed pates, drive to a rural area, and in the foyer of the nearest Wal-Mart, pick up any real estate magazine. Nine times out of 10, the featured agents have obviously been studying their Basic Cable Hair Manual while under the influence of malt liquor...
One that works
Katie Couric's taking cues from Season 5 Buffy. You know, to relate to those kids today, what with their baggy pants and their friends-with-benefits and their electronic gewgaws and...BANGS!!!
ITEM! Ratty bangs say practical, big hair sez drama!
BONUS
An oft-spotted subset of "Basic Cable Hair" is the "Speculative Fiction Look," or as I call it, "Sci-locks." Long gone are the beehives of yesteryear; today's alien-babe tresses are big and sassy!
Want to score a part on the latest SciFi original movie/soon-to-fail pilot? Then you want a look that says "I'm a sexy astrophycist/JC Penney catalog model who was cryogenically frozen in 1992. Please sir, what year is it, and where may I find a tub of JAM! and a curling iron?"
Mary McDonnell's President Roslin on Battlestar Galactica goes with a saucy mane that says "I got shut out by Bonnie Bedelia for the part of the wife in Die Hard."
Stargate Atlantis's Rachel Luttrell is no stranger to the Basic Cable Hair Salon! "Is this what you hyoo-mahns call 'prah-dukt'? It has a most strange consistency..."
All right! Our stylist will see you now. Just have a seat and we'll start your shampoo...Might I suggest the gel-helmet/poodle-perm combo with a side of tsunami bangs?
