I've Been Keeping A Secret...

4.04.2007
Ore : 1:36 PM

So I got my test results back a few weeks ago. And this being a sort of raw blog, I chose earlier not to divulge. Well now I choose to.

Guess what, guys? Despite my being a month from 30, and despite my being able to do only four pull-ups and only 25 sit-ups in a sitting, I'm still free of all diseases, and not flat-footed, so I can join either the Navy or Marines (part of it is a legacy thing, and please don't make me explain.) Now, all you guys are privy to my super-gay sexuality, but also, as you all know, I've also been sooper-seekrit about it, so the Navy, the Marines, and the Army don't need know who I really am. And I'm a consummate actor, so no one's gonna figure me out...

(DISCLAIMER HERE: Give me a fucking break. I've seen enough large, beautiful dicks' flopping and lovingly bouncing about in the locker room and the shower throughout my life to get excited about them, except only in super-lonely moments in my own bed. Please, current and future grunts, don't think I'll be jacking off to your hot ass, 'cos chances are I won't.)

Now, here's where I need help: Not only do I not know which branch to choose, should I even enlist knowing that I go to Iraq? I figure yes, because, even though I've reiterated the "chickenhawk" argument from time immemorial, the truth is, I'm a warm body and as such could possibly be necessary. Also, the money sounds really good. Better than a librarian's, I'll grant you.

(DISCLAIMER II: I speak reasonable Spanish and Japanese, and can voice more than a few, choice phrases in Mandarin Chinese, so this will preclude my serving in any combat, for what it's worth.)

Oh, and the reason for this decision? I, unlike the chickenhawks, am violently nauseated and pissed off at the idea of even one more 19 year-old dying for anything -- my life least of all. It ought to be me instead. That's why I'm thinking of going.

So, the real reason: The thought that another sapper, another sniper, another E-5 could possibly go home in one piece. I don't have babies, and my family only incidentally cares about me, so why should'nt I? My life isn't worth theirs. Please help me out here.

And to remember me by? The bamboo so effortlessly whistles at dawn. The sweet orange blossoms smell like life. This is what guides me, and this is what I love. Such is my true home. Goodbye.


Please wish me luck. Oh, and grunts reading this? Whatever advice you have would be appreciated...

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posted by teh l4m3 at 1:36 PM | Permalink |

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Comments for I've Been Keeping A Secret...
Oh yeah, you should sign up but only so's I can spit on you when you get back from Iraq.

Damn bro! While your decision is deeply moving and patriotic, it's also profoundly stupid. That said, the only reason I'm not back in is because it would devastate my wife and family to be without me. Plus she threatened to kill me if I did.

But your right, the young are too green and die because of it. Your life experience alone gives you an advantage.

You will become harder than you probably want to become(unless you join the Navy). So enjoy all the sweet bliss of serenity you can before you leave, because it will be some of the last you will ever feel. After you learn to function in a constant paranoid state you never go back to normal. You forget what it feels like to surrender your guard. I felt serenity for the first time in a long long time when my daughter took her first breath. But it was brief.

Anyway, keep low and move fast. Stay alert, stay alive.

Please don't. Seriously. I understand the feeling, but real courage is to stand up and try to end the fucking war, not fight in it.

That said, if you do, couple things. If you join the green motherfucker, you'll be a jarhead forever. This is a serious mental disability from which you cannot recover. But if you join the squids, you most likely won't see combat, and what's the fucking point of going if you ain't gonna see the elephant.

I understand the "legacy" thing, but I would strongly suggest you go airborne infantry or cavalry. You ride a little more than you walk, and you don't end up with permanant jarhead syndrome.

If you go, we'll have time to talk about this in more depth, to whatever extent my 37 year old experience applies, but a couple things.

Most important! When you rotate in, and first go into indian country, pay a LOT of attention to the guys that have been there before, especially the sergeants. And I don't mean to what they say. What you need to know can't be communicated in words. Watch what they do, what causes them to duck, what they use for cover, how they decide when and how to move under fire, stuff like that. I my experience, if you can live thru the first 90 days, you are innoculated against dying from stupidity. Unfortunately, there is nothing to prevent your dying from bad luck.

Whatever you decide to do, know I'm with you, m'man...

mikey

Oh, and the reason for this decision? I, unlike the chickenhawks, am violently nauseated and pissed off at the idea of even one more 19 year-old dying for anything -- my life least of all. It ought to be me instead. That's why I'm thinking of going.

So, the real reason: The thought that another sapper, another sniper, another E-5 could possibly go home in one piece. I don't have babies, and my family only incidentally cares about me, so why should'nt I? My life isn't worth theirs. Please help me out here.


I can't seem to get this comment right, so I'll just say this: while I certainly respect your patriotism and willingness to sacrifice, I find the reasoning quoted above deeply disturbing.

I have no relevant experience to share, so I'll just stick to wishing you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

Seriously, if you want to take the place of some poor motherfucker than you have to forgo the whole translator angle.

On the whole, my personal opinion is that this is a dumb idea a this time. Should there be a national draft, I have a different stated position but we are not in that situation. Have more of an impact by continuing to be a good librarian and keep educating what youth you can so they do not enlist.

Oh, and the reason for this decision? I, unlike the chickenhawks, am violently nauseated and pissed off at the idea of even one more 19 year-old dying for anything -- my life least of all. It ought to be me instead. That's why I'm thinking of going.

So, the real reason: The thought that another sapper, another sniper, another E-5 could possibly go home in one piece. I don't have babies, and my family only incidentally cares about me, so why should'nt I? My life isn't worth theirs. Please help me out here.


This part sounds a little more like a suicide note than a positive reason for doing something. Just so you know.

Also, if you want to place yourself in harm's way on behalf of some stranger, I'd think Marines are the choice.

Your being precluded from serving in combat may be wishful thinking, but if you're correct, the noble sacrifice seems not-quite true. Perhaps someone with lesser talents moves to combat because you fill the cushy spot better.

I would not go because:

1 I'm chicken
2 I make enough to eat
3 It's a bad war
4 If I ever shoot someone I want to be positive I did the right thing
5 I don't ever want to shoot anyone
6 Once they have you, they seem to have you FOREVER if nobody else wants to join
7 Good chance to work with dummies
8 Excellent chance to work under dummies

...and so on. I say don't do it. You seem edumacated: there are a lot of NGOs out there that need humane and helpful people. That seems to me to be a better choice for shipping out than to represent the humane faction of an invading army.

dude. What to say, you know? FWIW, I get the feeling you're completely serious about this, but like bistroist and RB, maybe for the wrong reasons?

I don't have babies, and my family only incidentally cares about me, so why should'nt I? My life isn't worth theirs.

No, your life is worth the same as anybody else's. Comparative worth is bullshit and leave it to the billionaire CEOs and the insurance number crunchers. The fact you're seriously putting this idea out there puts you miles ahead of people like the Pantload and the College Republicans, who can only whine that they are doing more valuable things here.

mikey's right. The war is a bullshit war, and the only peopl who deserve to go there to fight and die are the people whjo thought it up in the first place: Cheney, Wolfowitz, Perle; or the shit-scared bastards who weaseled their way out of their duty before, like Cheney and Bush. None of the Americans should be over there, and more people in the armed forces just gives them that much more time to fuck with the Middle East.

I'd say no; your familial relationship is just a bullshit rationalization. A librarian is more valuable than a soldier; don't you remember Star Trek?

Wait. Are you serious? I don't think so considering what little I know of you but if you are I apologize for my previous comment. If not, well you want the Durham Light Infantry then, sir.

Is this a done deal? Because, if it isn't, I'd want to talk you out of it. I don't like your reasons. If it is, then I'll be happy to share whatever hints I have for making military life more tolerable. Our family has three generations of vets still living - we've learned a few things.

But really. Don't do it.

"When you rotate in, and first go into indian country, pay a LOT of attention to the guys that have been there before, especially the sergeants."

You get to see Indians? Cooooool!

In my opinion you should join the Air "Farts". They have, by far, the lowest mortality rate in this war. Although there is that whole Village People song to consider....

Cue the music!!

Thinking that if you go, some other mother's son won't is probably not a valid reason. They need all the warm bodies they can get their bloody little hands on. And a kid's gonna do what a kid's gonna do.
Having said that, I believe you are very honorable.

I cannot tell if this is some exceptional teh satire or serious teh reasoning. I will respond with serious pants.

I respect the decision to go, and understand it too. Even if the war is fucked up, it's a noble thing to serve your country.

But really, really, really think about what you're doing. I have many family and friends that served, including my father and father-in-law in Vietnam. It is a life-transforming experience that can be the greatest or the worst thing you ever do. The outcome almost always hinges on why you join in the first place.

Good luck, teh.

As much as I admire your patriotism, exchanging one life for another hardly seems worth it. Who's to say your life is any less valuable? You may think, as an American, that it's your fight, right or wrong, but this is not a just war. Why support it?

If you want to join the military as a translator or an analyst, that's great, but the Righteous Bubba's right: you write like you're not planning to come back. I can think of a few people who'd like you to stick around, even if you haven't met most of us in person.

And let's be honest, with the surge working as it is, and more war on the horizon, you're just delaying someone else being thrown into the meat grinder to replace you if, Heaven forbid, you should be injured. Just look at how your government treats the soldiers who survive.

I've always been conflicted about this sort of thing, owing mainly to the fact that part of my family has been in various armed services for several generations. Defending one's country is one of the most honourable callings and calls for the greatest sacrifices.

A short story: I once was at a club and had the honour of meeting a young Marine Sergeant on shore leave and getting ready to ship back out to Iraq for a second tour. It was something of a surreal conversation, as he got drunker and let slip little details of what he had done. He looked earnest enough, and probably was when he enlisted, but you could see the haunting in his eyes.

He told me he'd lost friends in Iraq, that he'd killed people there (he wouldn't say how many, or under what circumstances), that after two years in-theatre he still had no idea what the hell he was doing there.

He said he'd lost hope, but kept fighting because his President told him to. He said he's lost much more than just friends there. You lose any real sense of what life means anymore.

You lose a part of your humanity.

In the end, though, it's still your choice. I can only wish you safe journey, and a safe return.

If this is a joke, it's not bad. If you're seriously thinking about it, though, think about it some more. If you're doing it because you believe in serving your country that way, or want some adventure (although you can't imagine the hours of boredom it actually entails), more power to you. If you're doing it because you think your life isn't as important as someone else's or you think it'll save some other poor sap, that's a really, really bad decision.

The factors involved in decisions as complex as this couldn't possibly be navigated by someone as far on the outside as me. So teh, I hope you make the right decision for you.

My only thought is that there are people on both sides of the guns in wars, and it never works out okay for any of those people.

i don't know that this is serious, and i'm also not sure to what extent i am qualified to comment on your choices, but i would like to echo most of the comments above and ask you to seriously reconsider this idea before you take the plunge.

if the choice is already made, i would like to wish you very good luck and safe tidings until you get back, and we on the internets will miss your intelligence and wit.

and if you want to survive, you should probably look no further than the navy

teh, what is going on?

Be a sapper. I bet they're all dirty as hell in bed.

Well this isn't what I expected to read about when I visited this blog. Sure you mentioned giant cocks and manly asses but.....

I hope that you make the right decision.

Choosing the right service is also a patriotic decision.

Knowing how poorly i would fit in the military, and thus reduce it's efficiency further, I did two years in AmeriCorps.
  • Posted at 5:19 AM | By Anonymous mdhatter

Teh, the argument that you are more expendable than others isn't a good reason. A good reason would be if you think your contribution would make it more likely that less people would die. You have to be one to make that decision, of course, but I think it's a hard case to make given the intractable mess in Iraq. But, whatever you decide, we're behind you.

What, think you're tough? I'vegot brutal tonsilitis, and it's no joke at all.

Seriously though, don't join up. I've got too many friends in Basra, and I spend too much of my time crapping myself when one of our guys gets it from some scumbag sniper without worrying about you as well.

Not that I don't want to see western civilisation destroyed, of course...

Wow. Are you serious?

Send AG a postcard of lovely Baghdad.

Oh yeah--get over the turning 30! Why would you be doing something crazzzzy like joining the military. You are not a monkey for teh right.

No Teh. I will miss you.

I have had similar thoughts. Granted, they don't stay in my head for long, but the underlying reasoning is similar (save for the medical history).

Hey man, this silence is a little ominous for my taste. If you're still really thinking about this, shoot me an email and let's talk.

I've taken off my supportive pants and now you're going to get it!!! DON'T DO IT!!

Oh, and the reason for this decision? I, unlike the chickenhawks, am violently nauseated and pissed off at the idea of even one more 19 year-old dying for anything -- my life least of all. It ought to be me instead. That's why I'm thinking of going.

It oughtn't be anybody dying, dearie. And your death wouldn't change that fact in any way at all - in fact, it would just do all the more to prove it. And you would indeed be missed - by people you don't even know. You're a gifted writer with a fascinating mind, and the world needs people like you alive.

Please reconsider

Please reconsider.

Winter Soldier

Best of luck to you whatever you decide, teh. But I highly recommend you get your hands on the DVD title above (and be sure to watch all the extras) before you commit.

That is all, brother.

You just want the free clothes, right?

"Oh, and the reason for this decision? I, unlike the chickenhawks, am violently nauseated and pissed off at the idea of even one more 19 year-old dying for anything -- my life least of all. It ought to be me instead. That's why I'm thinking of going."

I think no one should be going and you going is not going to make it better. You want it to stop? You want people to stop dying? Do something here. Take that disgust and do something here.

As they say, a mind is a terrible thing to waste. Don't let your mind be another casualty of this terrible war.

lest i plagarize yon punko - what teh heck is going on, teh?

teh? anyone home?

Tick tick tick...

You're playing soldier when I need you most...

Maybe Pablo can pick up the slack. Keep your head on ass-hole.

http://faithoftheabomination.com/

I totally hope you don't go cuz it won't help end the war. Just yer life and/or someone else's.

Sign up with Habitat for Humanity or something instead.

I'm the 37th comment on this. Feel teh Love here amigo!!!

hello? anyone home around here?

OK, I'm waiting for the punch line.

we miss you Teh. I hope yo're ok.

okay, norbizness went away, and now you and the new doctor who is coming soon and how are we supposed to blog about doctor who if you go away AND I AM NOT LIKING THIS NO NOT AT ALL COME BACK SOON.

teh, I am getting neurotic and searching the web to see if you are still with us. I hope you are OK.

OK, break's over. Back to work !

For what it's worth, the tonsilitis thing was meant to be a joke.

The lazyitis thing, on the other hand...

You can't leave teh.

You never even left a flamboyant gay sex joke at my blog.

Don't leave Pinko in the dark. All he's got now is 3Bulls and it's getting ugly(er) over there- it's now all Wang Chung.

Seriously- talk to somebody. There seems to be plenty o folk around here who want to hear from you. mikey over at Sadly, No in particular would be a great source to talk about the military thing.

Whatever you do, guy, stay safe and come back. The intertoobz are a dreary place without Teh.

Geez, I look away for a bit, and this is what happens? Snap out of it!

If you want to serve your country, then don't throw yourself into a senseless meat-grinder. Go work in the forest service or something. Take a civil service job that really helps people--there are plenty of them (including working in a library, unless you don't want to do that now). Putting yourself in harm's way doesn't do any good for anyone! It's not like some kid will be brought back to life, and this isn't World War II when we really had to worry about the country's safety if the war didn't go right. GOP propaganda notwithstanding, Iraq isn't the linchpin in our future safety or lack thereof. And because brave young soldiers are getting killed doesn't mean you should risk that, too. It won't mean one less death. Perhaps one car bomb will kill 7 instead of 6... so whom would you have saved? No one. You'd only have thrown your life away.

In other words, don't you dare!

teh l4m3, Love Please Come Home.

[ducks head in, looks around]

Teh?! Where are you? Missed you are!

Whatever you're doing, find a way to have some fun at it. You made me laugh a bunch.

Ok....it's been more than a month now. Give us some kind of clue as to what's going on, please...do I need to send you a care package or go out there and track you down?

That's it. You ignore us here, AG's e-mail and everywhere in between. This blog now belongs to AG and were going to make it soooo straight!!!!

And PupH never sent me a love comment like that.

Bastard.

Fuckin' A. Hope you're enjoying Boot Camp, Teh.

Well wishes your way...

This blog now belongs to AG and were going to make it soooo straight!!!!

People with vaginas are just perfect for people with penises. We drink Bud, play golf and have sex. Then we wave hello to everyone who is doing the same thing. It's a nice life.

Boy, I really don't think enlisting is a good idea. But if you want to do it, I suggest the Navy or Air Force.
  • Posted at 1:44 PM | By Anonymous Anonymous

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