Forget Sirius: All About the Nano

Ore : 8:39 AM

OK. So lately my Friday Music Blogging has been spurred by whatever songs happen to pop up during the Minister's or Pappy's show as I'm cleaning the carpet or doing dishes. But that's getting old fast. I mean, I'm this close to wishing everyone who listens to Troubled Hubble would die a horrible, fiery, explodey death. So please, take a trip with me, gentle reader, through the windmills of my mind -- my personal, inner musical landscape.

One glaring difference here is an utter and welcome lack of any Morrissey or R.E.M. on my random Chunk o' Nano. Another, more significant difference (which cannot objectively be seen as anything other than a serious flaw in our nation's very character -- and shame be unto you of all people, Reno Dakota, for helping sustain it) is the alarming dearth of female artists on the Sirius LoC... playlists (relative at least to my personal collection). Behold:

1. "I'm Waiting For The Man" - Velvet Underground: Makes me squirm in a good way. Sounds vaguely like Bob Dylan. Only filthier. And faggier. And like they've got better smack connections. Oh, and fun. Classic. 9/10

2. "Blue Bayou" - Linda Ronstadt: An exceptional exception to the rule that no one can cover a Roy Orbison song and have it be equal, let alone an improvement. That cool-blue, clear-as-a-bell voice, tinged with just the right amount of plaintive rawness, lends an atmosphere to the tune that is at once both otherworldly and perfectly homey. Plus, there's the nostalgia factor: this song takes me back to my early childhood, waiting on my parents' bed while my mom put on her face before our trip to Hilltop Mall for shopping, grilled-cheese sandwiches, bubblegum ice cream, and ice skating. 8/10

3. "Pretty Vacant" - Sex Pistols: Fuck all y'alls and your glossy tans and your Z. Cavaricci's and your Wet Seal crochet tops and your patchwork leather jackets and your Exclamation! cologne and your blithering Julie Brown show recaps and your Rush Limbaugh quotes and your poodle-perm/Kahuna-bangs combos and FUCK YOU ALL! This is *the* background music for making fun of cheerleaders and early '90s wiggers who dressed like Bel Biv Devoe back-up-dancer rejects. At least, it was for me in high school. 7/10

Picture edited to minimize the poor girl's pudgy little sausage-fingers.

4. "Let Me Be Your Angel" - Stacey Lattisaw: Proof positive that there once existed an underground industry devoted exclusively to manufacturing songs for the stage of Star Search. Classic schmaltz -- they don't make 'em like this any more; the proverbial "they" certainly broke the mold with the nasal-whine-with-a-dollop-of-soul Stacey... 6/10

5. "First Day of My Life" - Bright Eyes: Hey look! How'd an overplayed single get in here? 'Cos it's good, biotchez: fey indie heartthrob (is there any other kind?) Conor Oberst at his tremulous, unassuming finest. "I'd rather be workin' for a paycheck/Than waitin' to win the lottery" -- at the risk of making an enormously ugly generalization, only a Nebraskan would forge that metaphor. 7.5/10

6. "Teenage Goo-Goo Muck" - The Cramps: Because, well, I was. 8/10

7. "If I Only Had A Brain" - The Flaming Lips: Possible theme song for the next
Wally Herger campaign? A classic by way of an electronic Bedlam's day care center. 6/10

8. "Falling In Love" - Scorpions: FAAAAW-LING IN LOVE! Uuuunh, UUNH! [grind, thrash, grind] -- What? What are you looking at? Huh? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE LOOKING AT, BITCH?!?!? Now plant that face back in the pillow as I resume my groove... 7/10

9. "Talk Of The Town" - The Pretenders: I like you, Ms. Shirley Manson, I really do, but bite it: Chrissie Hynde was the original hot-shit, too-kool-for-skool bitch. She can make you fall in love with her even as she's shanking you in the throat with a penknife. 8/10

10. "Loose" - Iggy Pop: Iggy is the ugliest man I would ever have sex with. But I'd do it. And yeah, I'd still wake up sore and hungover and deeply sick and ashamed, but I'd go up to all my friends and be all like "Smell me! Smell me! No, not there...Down here. Now guess who I did last night..." 8/10

+ BONUS: "Obscene & Pornographic Art" - Bongwater: This will be my drag revue debut song. I'll sing this while slowly descending Broadway-style stage-stairs, vamping the way Ann Magnusson wishes she could: arrayed in enormous hoop earrings, a red sequined sheath slit to mid-thigh, and thigh-high, high-heel black latex hooker boots, with my hair parted between two enormous, dirty blonde afro puffs. At a certain point in the performance, my Rube Goldbergian "Deus ex machina" (a gargantuan, vague papier mâchè contraption) will lower from the wings. It will be surrounded by huge Sid & Marty Krofft-style cherub heads flapping their mouths in time to the chorus. And that, baby, will be the closest I will ever come to possessing the fucking Power of Pussy (short of getting the surgery, of course). 9/10

P.S. Quick shout-out to the studs at 3 Bulls!, who are
accepting submissions from the worst of my commenting excesses across the superinfohighwaycyberwebs. A tough project, as I've worn so many masks...

posted by teh l4m3 at 8:39 AM | Permalink |

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Comments for Forget Sirius: All About the Nano
the usage of the word wigger just made my day!

Glad to be of cervix!

first of all, here's a hearty bitch slap with a bunch of daffodils for bashing morrissey. r.e.m. - okay.

the world is a better place because of the velvets. 4 albums that spawned 4,000,000 bands.

that linda ronstadt 8-track was a family favorite growing up.

that's my 2nd fave sex pistols song ever.

the rest of it i hate (not necessarily the bands, just those particular songs), except bongwater. god bless ann magnusson.

Well what the hell do you think this is? Pitchforkmedia, for cryin' out loud??? Lay off Stacey (but feel free to abuse the Flaming Lips all you like...)

And I'd show more respect for Morrissey if he'd already slunk out of this mortal coil because some fed-up person (not me!) had strangled him with his own wispy, flaccid pompadour.

I wouldn't fuck Iggy Pop with Bea Arthur's dick!

10. "Loose" - Iggy Pop: Iggy is the ugliest man I would ever have sex with. But I'd do it. And yeah, I'd still wake up sore and hungover and deeply sick and ashamed, but I'd go up to all my friends and be all like "Smell me! Smell me! No, not there...Down here. Now guess who I did last night..." 8/10

I love you, you sick, sick bastard.

The new boy is into Bright Eyes . . . I can't listen too him too much before wanting to put in for massive amounts of Xanax. But the song about the plane going down and the two strangers talking about birthday partys and stuff is a good 'un.

xanax = breakfast of champions.

funny, but i've never been to the pitchfork site. a little too cool-indie-kid-with-arms-folded-and-a-bored-expression-even-though-he's-dying-to-dance for me. and it's too late to start now.

Pretty Vacant is awesome, I also love Sub-mission-
"I'm on a submarine missio to you, baby, I can't understand your water love"


"...a little too cool-indie-kid-with-arms-folded-and-a-bored-expression-even-though-he's-dying-to-dance for me."

Hence the bitchy dig. I let you in to my sugar walls, and you repay me by wiping your shitty feet all over my raggedy, patchwork rugs? Damn you, PR -- Damn you to heck!

ooooh - panties are BUNCHED!

no, the sugar walls would've been "love on a 2-way street". sugar walls would have been "brass in pocket". sugar walls would have been "human fly".

but they weren't, now were they?

and you could have picked the shortest smiths or morrissey song you could find, just to get me in the mood, but oh no. you bash.

there is no love. i guess we lost it on a lonely highway...*sniff*

"i guess we lost it on a lonely highway"


That's right, and that's what you get for driving an EL CAMINO! MWAH!

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