DOROTHY: Unlike most children, I was never afraid of what was in the closet or under the bed at night. That whole phase didn't start until my first visit to lower Eddy St. in San Francisco.
SOPHIA: Picture it: Chowchilla women's facility, 1986. Much like the fabled Achilles, but with a severe skin disorder, Tony "The Rat" Marcotti disguises himself as...
DOROTHY: Oh, ma!!! Enough with the stories.
ROSE: Millions of women suffer from unsightly hairloss. Isn't it time you discovered Rogaine for Women?
BLANCHE: I find it disturbing that chola-lipsticked, ham-necked she-males get more action than I do.
SOPHIA: If someone ever has the bright idea of casting Edward James Olmos as 007, this would be his villain...Or at least, his Bond girl.
TEH L4M3: Dorothy, if anyone ever again makes fun of your man hands in front of me, I'll show them this picture.
SOPHIA: Just make sure they take their Dramamine first.
BLANCHE: In real life, the mistresses are always uglier than the women. Look at Bill Clinton's trailer trash backdoor girls. This one looks to be about Jim Bakker's speed.
ROSE: I see she's fallen for that old folk wisdom hooey. Back in St. Olaf, Danica Lunderberg used to tell everyone that the best way to a fine complexion was to rub fried chicken wings on your face. Clearly this girl's been listening to the same baloney.
BLANCHE: Rose, honey, remind me to throw away the lunch meat in the fridge once we're done here.
DOROTHY: Blanche, the salami already ran away of its own accord after your last trip to the crisper.
TEH L4M3: OKAY, LADIES!!! Thanks for stopping by...
