The Hills Have Bette Davis Eyes

3.28.2006
Ore : 8:07 AM

[A Freedom Camp, non-manshake Sudden Fiction]

"Hi there. My name is
Kate O'Beirne, and I'm going door to door on behalf of our media watchdog association, Christians Undermining Nasty Tinseltown Secularists. And who might you be?"

"Oh, uh Jack Gordon."

He had answered the door in a stained, crusty tank top, his thick-lidded eyes betraying that he had just been asleep. His hair is long, stringy and unkempt. The very model of a liberal -- possibly one of those "male feminists".

I press on regardless. "Right. Jack. Do you know who
Scarlett Johansson is?"

"No, nuh-uh. Oh wait... Was she a great big fat person?"

"Well," I fall short of defending her as being well-proportioned; such a Jezebel deserves no quarter. "Her physical attributes aren't the point. Except when she makes them so. Here," I thrust out to him a flyer with a photocopy of her recent pornographic photo shoot for the Communist rag Vanity Fair, on the cover of which she had posed nude with militant homosexual Tom Ford and another woman. "This is the kind of anti-woman smut we're fighting against. You recognize her?"

"Yeah, I may've... No I read about her in the newspaper."

I am excited. Finally some headway with this lunk! I wave my hands excitedly, "Yeah, well, extra, extra -- this just in!!! Now it turns out this hussy, one of many women who're making the world worse, has been cast to co-star in "
The Black Dahlia", a movie Hollywood really doesn't need to make -- it blames police first, not the mysterious murderer, and our male authority figures from a bygone era have suffered enough smears at the hands of Hollywood liberals. There's no need to continue dragging the LAPD's good name through the muck. So we've got this petition... Say, do you have a pen?"

He nods his assent. "Do you wanna come in while I look for it?"

"Thank you. Gosh, Mr. Gordon, what an odd-looking moth. You know what its back reminds me of?

"...And why, may I ask, do you want to know my dress size?"

posted by teh l4m3 at 8:07 AM | Permalink |

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Comments for The Hills Have Bette Davis Eyes
Heh. The one thing that freaks my wife out the most is my Buffalo Bill impersonation. I should probably stop doing it in bed.

Speaking of which, ever heard the song by the Greenkeepers called "Lotion"? It's a catchy-as-hell tune sung from the perspective of BB. Available on iTunes even.

Be warned, though. You'll be humming "It rubs the lotion on its skin / or else it gets the hose again" all damn day long.

heh i got Seb himself, via Dark Window, with this same scenario a couple of years ago. used to be a small wav file on some page, of "oh wait, wasn't she a great big fat person?"

Ha ha. ONly my favoritest quote EVAR!!1!

Whenever I'd go out with my friends, and one of us had just gotten away from a super creepy guy who'd been making moves, we'd do that quote.

Damn. No points for originality, obviously...

I wonder how Pete is doing?

Some friends of mine invented the Corpulent Colonial who is always calling for his lotion boy. He speaks in an exagerrated British accent and is constantly requiring service from his diminutive child man-servant.

'Oh, lotion boy, I do believe I am chafing terribly in this heat. Would you be a dear and apply some lotion to my posterior after Ndugu rolls me over?'

Whenever I go through the self-serve checkout at the grocery, I think of Buffalo Bill when the machine commands me to "put the item in the basket." You can get a laugh out of a perfect stranger every time by saying, "It puts the item in the basket."

I saw that video by the Greenskeepers. Pretty catchy tune. They did a nice job on it. "I'm looking down the hole, you're looking up at me."

Yeah, the video is impressive, especially the way they synch the vocals to the film clips.

If anyone hasn't seen it, it's available here:

www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2650242

That is my new favourite video. You all ("y'all") are my new favourite Americans. And the Internet finally proves itself useful.

Catchy but now I'm going to have nightmares when I sleep tonight.

IT PUTS THE DOG INT THE MOTHERFUCKIGN BASKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, sorry for any lingering psychosis caused by the song and video. I warned you -- you'll be singing this song to yourself for the next week, and always at the most inappropriate times.

But I suppose there's really no appropriate time to be singing "and then I'll use your skull as a bowl"?

Is that anything like wearing an ass for a hat?

You would know, chuckles.

PWN3D!!1!1!@!

hah right teh. same here pretty much except for the hit on by guys part -- not that that would bother me, but it just doesnt happen a hell of a lot.

we all got to the point that we had a great Jame Gumb voice.

btw, can you watch fucking ted levine in any movie since without hearing that phrase in your head? i cant. his voice is the same in all of them. strained, low, and psychotic.

Pretty much. Poor bastard.

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