Rumsfeld Departs: Stunning DoD Shake-up

11.30.2005
Ore : 4:15 PM

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a shocking turn of events, President George W. Bush has finally accepted Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's most recent offer of resignation. In his place, the President has nominated irascible ancient sorcerer David Lo Pan to head the Department of Defense.

When asked at a recent press conference, in Rumsfeld's presence, the reason for this change, President Bush informed the press that the Secretary wished to spend more time with his family. "Being Secretary of Defense is hard work," he said. "It takes it's toll. It's time he got on with his life." Turning to Rumsfeld and patting him on the back, he added "You've done a heckuva job, Rummy." He scoffed at opponents' accusations that the move was made in an attempt to shore up falling poll numbers.

Congressional Democrats are skeptical. "Frankly, I don't see how this changes matters," remarked Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), who will be on the congressional panel responsible for confirming Lo Pan, often referred to as the "Bodhisattva of the underworld." "Unless he can prove otherwise during our hearings, I'm inclined to think this is yet another case of 'meet the new boss, same as the old'." She declined to answer when asked how she intends to vote.

When pressed to comment on his surprise nomination, the cursed 2000-year-old magician floated through the podium to address reporters face to face. "I have been wandering, trapped between this world and the next for millennia, for the sake of finding my destiny, my Miao Yin -- not to be some ridiculous bureaucratic factotum!" he exclaimed, scraping his trademark long, yellowed talons against his brocade robe. "This pisses me off to no end!" He then abruptly concluded the press conference by disappearing in a pillar of fire and sulphurous smoke.

posted by teh l4m3 at 4:15 PM | Permalink |

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Comments for Rumsfeld Departs: Stunning DoD Shake-up
He probably also zapped some people with lightning, especially in light of Kim Cattrall's terrible acting. I'm not sure, but I'm going to check to see if Three Bulls! has indeed set the trend of utilizing Big Trouble in Little China in posts.

Nobody even noticed the I Flash Gordon commented somewhere solely for you benefit. Maybe it wasn't at your blog, but still I'm chapped that you didn't notice.

I noticed! I did! I DID!!!

I believe I mentioned something about being Gail...

I wish we could have Three Bulls! movie night. Flash Gordon would be number 1 on the list.

Um...I hate to say this, but I think you've been duped. You see, Rumsfeld actually IS Lo Pan.

Then truly, Neil, Boxer is more astute than any of us could have dreamt...

Flash Gordon as #1? You obviously forgot about Pee-Wee Herman's Big Adventure!

Ok, you people! Sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we're not back by dawn... call the president.

Bunny Bun Bun!

Kzatzy

Super Awesome Villains Forever!!

Hmm, I wonder what Teh's up to? Perhaps some heavy duty alphabetizing?

Oh, I'm sorry! How old fashioned of me. I meant to say "dewey decimaling!"

tygaft

Teh, where are you? All these mouthy gnomes have invaded my blog, and I miss you!

ebenqrhe (that's just ridiculous)

ADorable Girlfriend is trying to unscifi our moviethon. No gurls aloud. Queens OK, and Queen soundtracks.

rixjggvr (gross)

As long as Logan's Run is in the top 10,we're good.

gxrggpq (who ate my vowels?)

Uh-oh -- time for carousel!

gomfaai: I had a vowel movement!

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