WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a shocking turn of events, President George W. Bush has finally accepted Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's most recent offer of resignation. In his place, the President has nominated irascible ancient sorcerer David Lo Pan to head the Department of Defense.When asked at a recent press conference, in Rumsfeld's presence, the reason for this change, President Bush informed the press that the Secretary wished to spend more time with his family. "Being Secretary of Defense is hard work," he said. "It takes it's toll. It's time he got on with his life." Turning to Rumsfeld and patting him on the back, he added "You've done a heckuva job, Rummy." He scoffed at opponents' accusations that the move was made in an attempt to shore up falling poll numbers.
Congressional Democrats are skeptical. "Frankly, I don't see how this changes matters," remarked Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), who will be on the congressional panel responsible for confirming Lo Pan, often referred to as the "Bodhisattva of the underworld." "Unless he can prove otherwise during our hearings, I'm inclined to think this is yet another case of 'meet the new boss, same as the old'." She declined to answer when asked how she intends to vote.
When pressed to comment on his surprise nomination, the cursed 2000-year-old magician floated through the podium to address reporters face to face. "I have been wandering, trapped between this world and the next for millennia, for the sake of finding my destiny, my Miao Yin -- not to be some ridiculous bureaucratic factotum!" he exclaimed, scraping his trademark long, yellowed talons against his brocade robe. "This pisses me off to no end!" He then abruptly concluded the press conference by disappearing in a pillar of fire and sulphurous smoke.
