Spoon: Your worst nightmare. You're at a slouchy, dimly lit, too-cool-to-dance flatparty somewhere way out in the foggy, quiet-as-a-crypt Richmond. You've been watching your kitchen-mixed Cape Cods, ensuring that your pimped-out Honda CRX will be the ideal safe ride in which to take home that bangin' alterna-chica -- you know, the one in the quilted jacket, francophilic spectacles, and pointy shoes. You're sidling up to her right now, drink in hand, ready with your best lamely cute act, when he arrives: Early-30s, prematurely gray, obnoxiously gaunt and well-dressed, superciliously cool. And suddenly it's as clear and cold as the dawn over Twin Peaks that you do not stand a chance. In your mind, you plead, you scream, You have nothing in common with him! He's an utter asshole! He's just going to bone you and dump you! But she wouldn't listen, and besides, you'd look like a dipshit if you spoke up. He may not even have a ride, but he's got more than enough cab fare, a veritable library of hilarious roadie anecdotes in his pointy, arrogant head, and all the hook-ups for every little vice you can imagine. Goodnight, Casanova -- you've been outclassed.Ryan Adams: Oh please, has that act even worked since 1993? Shuffling, navel-gazing, cracking a wry grin at just the right moment -- acting the wallflower while totally trying to undermine the competition. And he's got a paunch and a guitar. God, how gauche.
Oh wait, it still does work...
My Morning Jacket: A big, stinky, hairy, horny stoner who looks like he could clobber you six ways from Sunday? Consider yourself cockblocked, foolio. Move along.
Scissor Sisters: You read those witty/fruity self-help articles in FHM or Maxim or Details, or wherever: "get on the cute gay friend's good side," they said; "try a little cross-orientation flirting," they said. And you believed them, you twat. You deserve what you get. Which is nothing.
Tegan & Sara: Lesbians! And they're SISTERS!!! But that's the point of being a muff-muncher, isn't it? They do it for each other. Not for you. G'night! *SLAM*
