- I should have a goatee.
- I should wear pleated Dockers and a cell-phone case on my woven belt.
- I should be 40 lbs. heavier around the middle.
- I should offer up an unctuous and ostentatious grace before a communal meal shared with my coworkers, because everyone should understand how much more Christian I am than they are.
- I should insist my wife never wear pants, only skirts and dresses -- even when she's just homeschooling our two tow-headed little sons.
- I should wear my Promise Keepers t-shirt to company bar-b-ques.
- I should talk loudly for the sake of anyone within earshot about my lastest trip to Chico/Sacramento/San Francisco, so I can impress them with my cosmopolitanishness. Ideally I should also be able to work into the anecdote a subtle fag or darkie joke.
- I should condescend to my female coworkers.
- I should drive a Dodge pick-up, as a hemi is the coolest thing ever. And the truck should have an a combination bunting/yellow-ribbon magnet, a Calvin praying sticker, and a "W '04" decal.
- I should listen to alternative Christian rock.
- I should look down on small-town rubes and big-city freaks with equal disdain.
- I should read the latest issue from my subscription to The National Review as conspicuously as possible.
- I should pressure the schoolboard to accept Of Pandas and People as a science textbook.
- I should complain loudly to the homeowner's association about the guy down the block who still has up his Kerry/Edwards banner. What an eyesore! Get over it already!
- I should, whenever ordering fast food, emphasize that I want a Biggie Size Freedom Fries.
- I should start watching NASCAR even though I hate it.
- I should actually read The Conscience of a Conservative (at least, if I'm gonna keep quoting it).
I should, but I don't. I don't belong. Waaaah.
SOUNDTRACK: Trapt.
MOOD:
Ever so emo. lol.
