Ignore The Mainstream Tablet-Pressers -- The King Is Right!

4.09.2006
Ore : 9:53 AM

The evidence is undeniable that the Pharoah has been providing material support to terrorists in the provinces -- terrorists who seek to undermine our Assyrian way of life. Other enemies, between here and the Mediterranean, and between here and Elam, have been developing and stockpiling new tools of terror. The Erech Intelligence Agency has recently secured proof that our enemies have attempted to secure ass-drawn chariots and iron weapons of destruction. We must strike pre-emptively if we are to remain safe and free. For the sake of the barley farmer and the wool weaver. For the sake of the children.

The appeasement-minded suggest we are too zealous in our prosecution of this war. They make the same old whimpering Urukagina noises about human rights and injustice. But look what happened to the date-eating surrender-sheep of Lagash: their city was utterly razed. We cannot afford the same fate befalling Assur -- we cannot let the proverbial vibrating bow-string be seige ladders laid against the walls of our fair city-state. Some go so far as to suggest that because we cut down the enemy in heaps, down to the last evil toddler, and color the mighty Tigris red with their blood, we are no better than those we fight against.

To follow the lead of these cowards would be nothing less than treason.

Others have criticized the Great King, the Mighty King for indicating that he has been called by the command of the God Assur to lay low our enemies -- that this is some sort of impious presumption. Such critics are mired in pre-dynastic thinking. We face a new sort of enemy; this is a new sort of war. We need new strategies, and new tools, and must not hesitate in deploying them.

We must fight, flay, behead and burn them over there, lest we be forced to do so over here.

We must, if this war on terror is to be as successful as our war on lions.

We cannot deny that September 11, 846 B.C. changed everything. The cowardly attack on Assyria by terrorists from the Zagros was nothing less than a declaration of war. Men who share their mindset among the Axis of Evil -- be they in Egypt, in Elam, or in Babylonia -- must be brought to heel. And skinned and impaled on stakes if necessary.

Tiglath-Ukurligak is Senior Fellow of the Assurbanipal Council on Foreign Relations. In his spare time, he enjoys fishing, observing ritual recitals at the Ziggurat, and kicking Elamite butt.

posted by teh l4m3 at 9:53 AM | Permalink |

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Comments for Ignore The Mainstream Tablet-Pressers -- The King Is Right!
How would he know that it's 843 B.C.*?

*I seem to remember this being one of the tricks Encyclopedia Brown used to break open a case back in the day.

Drats! Foiled again...

how does he feel about Judas?

Judas? Sounds Jewish. He from Jericho? They may stone adulterers, but at least they pay tribute. Let's focus, people!

Teh, that was lovely. ::smile::

But, you know, how 'bout some hotties?

101st Fighting Cuneiformists unite!

smarty: mebbe tomorrow. I's tired.

ron: SEA OF GLASS! Oh, wait, what does that even mean in ancient Assyria?

The Assyrian Empire was pretty cool, for a bunch of people the couldn't hold it together for more than a few hundred years at a time.

I wrote a paper once called "The Rise and Fall of the Assyrian Empire." My souces were all 80 years old and dusty. It was cool.

chuckles: yeah, but they were pretty freakin' brutal. Set new standards for it (in the fertile crescent, anyway), in fact.

*gasp*
*fawn*
*tumescence*

Wait, no, I meant to keep that last one to myself. Anyway, this sort of post makes me all melty inside, teh.

More, damn you, more!

You may think you have pacified those Urorfacists from Mesopotamia, but I have a feeling we're going to be hearing from them again...

I'm sure the 101st Fighting Cuneiform - dammit, Ron Mexico, I know you're really Michael Vick, so stop stealing my ideas!

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