Guess what, guys? Despite my being a month from 30, and despite my being able to do only four pull-ups and only 25 sit-ups in a sitting, I'm still free of all diseases, and not flat-footed, so I can join either the Navy or Marines (part of it is a legacy thing, and please don't make me explain.) Now, all you guys are privy to my super-gay sexuality, but also, as you all know, I've also been sooper-seekrit about it, so the Navy, the Marines, and the Army don't need know who I really am. And I'm a consummate actor, so no one's gonna figure me out...
(DISCLAIMER HERE: Give me a fucking break. I've seen enough large, beautiful dicks' flopping and lovingly bouncing about in the locker room and the shower throughout my life to get excited about them, except only in super-lonely moments in my own bed. Please, current and future grunts, don't think I'll be jacking off to your hot ass, 'cos chances are I won't.)
Now, here's where I need help: Not only do I not know which branch to choose, should I even enlist knowing that I go to Iraq? I figure yes, because, even though I've reiterated the "chickenhawk" argument from time immemorial, the truth is, I'm a warm body and as such could possibly be necessary. Also, the money sounds really good. Better than a librarian's, I'll grant you.
(DISCLAIMER II: I speak reasonable Spanish and Japanese, and can voice more than a few, choice phrases in Mandarin Chinese, so this will preclude my serving in any combat, for what it's worth.)
Oh, and the reason for this decision? I, unlike the chickenhawks, am violently nauseated and pissed off at the idea of even one more 19 year-old dying for anything -- my life least of all. It ought to be me instead. That's why I'm thinking of going.
So, the real reason: The thought that another sapper, another sniper, another E-5 could possibly go home in one piece. I don't have babies, and my family only incidentally cares about me, so why should'nt I? My life isn't worth theirs. Please help me out here.
And to remember me by? The bamboo so effortlessly whistles at dawn. The sweet orange blossoms smell like life. This is what guides me, and this is what I love. Such is my true home. Goodbye.
Please wish me luck. Oh, and grunts reading this? Whatever advice you have would be appreciated...