One Good Reason To Be A '9ers Fan

Ore : 11:40 PM

So they're having another lackluster year. Still better than last year. And they kicked Bronco ass tonight.

But whatever else, they've got the
sweet and delicious Alex Smith:

Alex Smith Foundation was established to help kids recently emancipated from foster care transition to life in the adult world.)

Tangential and tragic post-script: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? This is severely fucked up. RIP, Mr. Williams.

posted by teh l4m3 at 11:40 PM | Permalink | 7 be jibber-jabberin'


Ore : 2:45 PM

Saddam is dead! Long live Muqtada!

Whew. Thank goodness that's over. It was so wonderful to wake up and turn on the news, and see that Iraq had become a paradise overnight!

Now, multiple choice question:

Who will be the next to swing?

Hugo Chavez

Kim Jong Il

Pat Robertson

Islom Karimov

Neil Bush

F. You

PS I hope you sent Rummy a condolences card...

Ah, old friend! So sad!

posted by teh l4m3 at 2:45 PM | Permalink | 6 be jibber-jabberin'

Villainous Nutball To Hang!!!

Ore : 5:34 PM

In the face of death, happy sauce-loving, psychotic oddball exhorts his people not to hate the Jews, but nevertheless to unite against them.

The prosecution says, "We should be able to hang him within the next 30 days." The defense says, "They should not be allowed to hang him until 30 days have lapsed." Why is it that the defense and the prosecution cannot agree on what should be a very straightforward legalism? Simple: The ink, if any, hasn't yet dried on that particular clause. Why is it that President Talabani isn't even sure of his role regarding state executions -- whether he must sign off on one, for instance? Simple: There is no rule of law in Iraq.

Remember how Hussein was supposed to swing in time for the mid-term elections -- that is, until White House pollsters found the American people aren't yet half as gullible and are yet twice as cynical as they had previously estimated? Now, why do you suppose the answer to the question "Will he be executed?" has jumped from "yes" to "no" to "yes" again? And why has the proposed date for this strange fruit-viewing picnic jumped all over the place, with various contradictory legal justifications popping up at the oddest moments? Simple: because they're making it all up as they go along.

(Just this morning, one talking head, in response to the flapping of Heidi Collins's iridescent plastic lips, seemed to fault "government interference." In no way is that being vague or deliberately misleading: are we talking about interference by the American government, or Iraq's putative government? If the former, then yes disapprobation is in order. If he means the latter, however, it's as meaningless a phrase as the closer-to-home "judicial activism"; apart from the facts that a government should submit to checks and balances, and that writing and enacting laws is one job of governments, the other job being the judiciary's, to interpret and enforce those laws -- laws, by the way that in some cases have yet to be formulated -- apart from all that, we're talking about an incomplete government, one moreover that's a troop-surge away from collapse, and that exists only at the pleasure of George the Crusader and whatever rickety Shi'ite coalitions they can cobble together at any given time. Granted, our talking head -- analyst, my ass -- did mention how the mostly unnamed architects of the trial were trying to hew closely to international law. Needless to say, he also successfully elided why Hussein's bad noose is not being delivered by the ICC.)

For some reason, a makeshift court is conducting this trial. Were it an actual international court, we wouldn't be privy to half as many horrifyingly embarrassing pratfalls. He'd be at the Hague, doing the Nuremburg Shuffle. Judges wouldn't have to recuse out of fear for their own lives or the lives of their families. We'd know exactly how many appeals the guy's supposed to get, what his rights are and aren't, and in just whose custody he's supposed to be. The bloodthirsty could have their satisfaction, and the rest of us could partake of the edifying spectacle of real justice.

So why doesn't international law have anything to do with this? Yes, there is the American Right's traditional kneejerk animus towards the black helicopters and blue helmets of the New World Order. There are also the exigencies of public relations, which require that any trial not prosecuted by the victims of the accused and not supervised unilaterally by the United States must appear a failure of Bush "policy." But mainly because of one cringe-worthy, ear- and cheek-searing detail: Rumsfeld and anyone else from Reagan's cabinet who abetted Hussein's murderous behavior would be sitting on the defense bench right with him.

posted by teh l4m3 at 5:34 PM | Permalink | 10 be jibber-jabberin'

Operation Iraq Surge-ification

Ore : 5:40 AM

While Bush is "crafting his Iraq policy," something he probably should have done, you know, before going into Iraq, I think we should read a quick passage from the good book of Zinn. Tell me if this sounds familiar:

Some have criticized us for not trying even more force. Of course we could do this. No one in the world needs to be told how powerful we are. We can stay in Vietnam as long as we like. We can reduce the whole country to ashes. We are powerful enough to do this. But we are not cruel enough to do this [ahem. -ed]. I, as your president, am not willing to engage in a war without end that would destroy the youth of this country and the people of Vietnam. - Howard Zinn, "A Speech for LBJ,"
Vietnam: The Logic of Withdrawal.

Now, if LBJ, he of the Great Society, failed to give this speech, what the hell makes you think George W. "I Put Firecrackers In Toads As A Boy" Bush will do anything but
push for more carnage?

Don't be a suckah.

posted by teh l4m3 at 5:40 AM | Permalink | 9 be jibber-jabberin'

Ghost of Gerald Ford To Dubya...

Ore : 8:00 AM

"Where's Squeaky Fromme when you need her?"

Let's have beer, and nachos, and watch impeachment proceedings...
Live, from Hades: "D'oh!"

posted by teh l4m3 at 8:00 AM | Permalink | 7 be jibber-jabberin'

Character Sketch

Ore : 1:53 PM

Plump arms folded over expensive Kevlar and camo. Buzzcut under backwards baseball cap. Wrap-around Oakleys (with the woven cord, bright blue.) Thin-lipped mouth framed by a sharply trained, bronze goatee. A chin-pussy, I'd call it. A bumper, he'd say. He wears a tiny yet conspicuous gold cross, and other weapons: a Desert Eagle (with which he once popped caps at a U.S. Marine, though he missed, and was never caught) and an M16.

His stance is proprietary and defiant. He owns this desert. He might be thinking of her, of his big-haired, glossy-taloned wife as she homeschools their tow-headed tots in that beige stucco McMansion in the 'burbs. Or maybe she is fucking the Mexican pool guy. Or maybe her head is bent in prayer under recessed lighting and a pebbled white ceiling as she sits in the plush, movie house-style seats of the local megachurch.

He might be, but it doesn't matter. He is here, among the sand-blasted derricks and pipes, the perpetual-motion oil pumps -- massive and obscene iron birds forever pecking and pecking.

This is his. He has conquered Babylon and earned a fortune doing it. This is his desert. These are his rocks.

This thug for Christ, this
blackwater patriot, this Promise Keeper mercenary.

posted by teh l4m3 at 1:53 PM | Permalink | 7 be jibber-jabberin'

"What I must present is a made thing, not something born..."

Ore : 2:06 PM

"For the first time ever, everything is in place for the Battle of Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ." - President Ronald Reagan

"George Bush was not elected by a majority of the voters in the United States, he was appointed by God." - Lt. General Boykin, 2003

"This crusade, this war on terrorism is going to take a while." - President George W. Bush, September 2001

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity." - Ann Coulter

"You are the sovereign. You're name is holy. You are the pure spotless lamb..." - unattributed prayer among Marines prior to 2004 retaking of Fallujah

"Today we are engaged in a final, all-out battle between Communistic Atheism and Christianity." - Senator Joseph McCarthy

"Civilized people -- Muslims, Christians, and Jews -- all understand that the source of freedom and human dignity is the Creator." - John Ashcroft

"Don't use the word 'gay' unless it's an acronym for 'Got Aids Yet'" - Representative Bob Dornan

"AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharoah's charioteers." - Jerry Falwell

"We had lost the fight for the preservation of the white race until God himself intervened in earthly affairs with AIDS to rescue and preserve the white race that he had created... I praise God all the time for AIDS." J.B. Stoner

"I do not believe in the separation of church and state, nor did our founders." - Jerry Falwell in a USA Today Chat, August 2, 2000

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being." - Jerry Falwell

"I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good... Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a biblical duty, we are called by God to conquer this country. We don't want equal time. We don't want pluralism." - Randall Terry

"When I, or people like me, are running the country, you'd better flee, because we will find you, we will try you, and we'll execute you. I mean every word of it. I will make it part of my mission to see to it that they are tried and executed." - Randall Terry

"I found a wonderful opportunity as a director on the joint staff, as I meet the people that come into my directorate. And I tell them right up front who Jack Catton is, and I start with the fact that I’m an old-fashioned American, and my first priority is my faith in God, then my family and then country. I share my faith because it describes who I am." - Maj. Gen. Jack J. Catton Jr., December 2006

"The Christian community has a golden opportunity to train an army of dedicated teachers who can invade the public school classrooms and use them to influence the nation for Christ." - James Kennedy, Center for Reclaiming America


(Thanks in part to for material, and to Margaret Atwood for inspiration.)

posted by teh l4m3 at 2:06 PM | Permalink | 9 be jibber-jabberin'

Full of Jesusmas Cheer und Stollen

Ore : 9:37 AM

Excuse me asshole, but maybe you should have been skiing in California, promoting California -- you know, the state where you are governor? Or maybe you own a home in Idaho just because you like the proximity of your superior brethren...

Oh, and I hope you don't have to rely on any
nurses during your Wiederherstellung. Ouch!


posted by teh l4m3 at 9:37 AM | Permalink | 7 be jibber-jabberin'

Meh-rry Christmas!

Ore : 3:14 PM


(That is to say, I should be happy, but I can't see how it changes anything -- a 2% rating would still seem like a "mandate" to this goober.)

posted by teh l4m3 at 3:14 PM | Permalink | 5 be jibber-jabberin'


Ore : 6:11 PM

* Smoking's up, drinking's up, and the kids are in your medicine cabinet. Then again, they're getting deployed to Iraq in a couple of years, so who could blame them?

This almost makes up for her ching-chong bit. Almost.

* "I WANNA GO GET A COOKIE!!!" AH HA HA HAAAAA! (thnx, Vincent.)

posted by teh l4m3 at 6:11 PM | Permalink | 4 be jibber-jabberin'

My Weekend Was Fabulous...

Ore : 12:01 PM

...How was yours?

PS: Sorry I didn't call,
fulsome. Maybe next time, when there isn't so much damn xmas shopping to do.

posted by teh l4m3 at 12:01 PM | Permalink | 11 be jibber-jabberin'

I Love

Ore : 2:34 PM

I entitle this one "Battlestar Blacktica"
'Humanity's children have come home to run a hair salon named Curl Up & Dye'
Because that's what it looks like when a Cylon poos on your head. is an equal-opportunity employer, ya dig?
Mmmm...  Corns...
Ever hear of Aveeno? Dang.

There's even a place for The White Devil:
Let Victoria keep her filthy secrets.
Did she topple those pillars by herself?

Get more

posted by teh l4m3 at 2:34 PM | Permalink | 13 be jibber-jabberin'

Ooh, Ooh, Ooh!!!

Ore : 12:31 PM

So I ordered a bunch of stuff with my branch's new little book-buying budget, right? And I'm still waiting! I got maybe one thing out of processing -- my incoming box today wasn't even half-full. Grr!

However: guess what our lease fiction people sent us?

Ohhhhh, yeeeeah. This is gonna suck.

And yes, it's every bit as shitty as the S,N! guys said.

I don't understand what happened to this man. Sure, a lot of his stuff is just Mormon mumbo-jumbo warmed over and sexed-up skiffy style, but I still thought some of his earlier books were above par. Granted, that doesn't take much in his chosen genre, but come on... I thought he did particularly well whenever he had to craft a character who was a teenage boy -- Card I found spot-on in his portrayals of the emotional tumoil and anger that come at that age.

But this? Allow me to crack this bad boy open completely at random. Okay, here we are: page 193, where the Canadian ambassador is reading bulletins provided him by the eeevul liebruls who invaded and are occupying Manhattan. I think; I'll make no attempts at contextualization, as time is short -- besides, no amount of context could make acceptable writing this craptacular:

"The military force that took over Manhattan affirms that not one civilian has been harmed."

"What a lie," said Coleman. "We saw one dead doorman [dead as a-? -- ed.] with our own eyes."

"They call themselves the Progressive Restoration. They declare that Progressives won the popular vote and the electoral vote for President in 2000, and only flagrant vote-stealing by the radical Right kept the duly elected President from taking office."

"Please say they're not bringing back Al Gore," said Reuben [An Inconvenient Truthiness? Also, this is about as funny as the book ever gets. -- ed.].

"Shut up, please, boys," said Cessy.

"Since stealing office, the usurpers trampled on the Bill of Rights, involved the United States in illegal and immoral foreign wars, destroyed the environment, oppressed minorities of every kind, imposed their brand of Christianity on the whole country, stifled scientific research, ran up huge deficits, and flaunted -- I'm sure they mean flouted --"

"He's correcting their grammar now," said Reuben [fiendish Canadians almost succeeded at making the liberal dodos look intelligent! -- ed.]

"Flouted world opinion and international law, and brought the world to the brink of disaster."

"They didn't mention Zionism," said Coleman. "What are they thinking?" [they're not thinking; they're two dimensional foils who are portrayed as having written that press release just so that you, one of the two dimensional protagonists, could use that line. -- ed.]

It just gets worse and worse. Not to mention more polemical and hamfisted at every turn. And in some cases, downright ungrammatical -- are his editors afraid of him or something?

Bonus excerpt from his now infamous, whiny afterward, in which he makes the following acknowledgement:

And [thank you] to Zina Card, who spent hours watching episodes of 24 with Kristine and me so I could keep in mind the rhythms and energy of an effective thriller...

Not even the ongoing perils of Jack Bauer could improve his writing. How odd.

posted by teh l4m3 at 12:31 PM | Permalink | 17 be jibber-jabberin'

Oddz & Endz

Ore : 10:43 AM

* Whatever happened to Pop?

Listening Tour '06, biotches, coming to a dipshit near you. Because what better time than now for advice?

* Damn. Look how saucy
Iran is getting. I should really get out of my compound (stocked with Slim Jims and Twinkies for the coming race war!) more often...

* You know
they hate him only because he's black, right? Oil For Food my ass. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors.

* "
If not, someone should get on the stick." No Jonah, you should get on my stick. Learn how to think, you ninny.

posted by teh l4m3 at 10:43 AM | Permalink | 8 be jibber-jabberin'

im in yr line, observin yr racizm

Ore : 4:35 PM

He's your dad, your doddering granddad, your most embarassing uncle, and the smelliest guy at the laundromat all rolled into one hugely obese, stained baby-blue sweatpants-sheathed package -- with a long gray ponytail on top. He's come to the check-out counter with enough provisions for a month. He's delighted that the cashier is "a Mexican."

"Well aren't you just the prettiest little thing? I can't get enough of Mexican gals, they're so good-looking..."

The young, emo/punky chicana flashes him a quick, braces-lined smile, and continues running his jars and bags over the scanner. Her body language screams that she feels she can't move fast enough. She knows what's coming.

"When I was in high school my girlfriend was Mexican. Just the most beautiful thing. Damn she was hot." Suddenly, a snag: he's got a coupon for one of those jars.

She cringes a bit as he sidles peremptorily and proprietarily around to her side of the counter, so as to indicate the item for which he should get a discount -- as well as to give her an up-close taste of his manly, ketone-tinged Great Big White Guy musk.

Only once he is assured (you can never be sure with "those people," as they're notoriously lazy and slow) she's got it, once he's heard enough "Oh, okays" (which came, by the way, in a native California accent), does he return to the customer side of the counter to continue regaling us all with memories none of us asked to hear and that are probably 98% self-aggrandizing lies anyway. "Yeah, 'Ana' was her name, and she was just the cutest thing. Great runner, too [I'll bet, chump - ed.] -- a fine athlete. She had five older brothers, you know. Oh, and those Mexican guys, whew, well they don't even want you looking at their sisters. Don't even try it! Yeah, they're horndogs
after other girls, but they don't want you near theirs!"

"Oh, yeah, totally," comes a weak reply, once again sans alien accent.

I swear. The shit we ("we" being poor Americans, period) the shit we eat -- really just gobble down -- for the sake of getting by...

He's got another tangent, something about going to a Mexican wedding, probably involving an observation on their prolific breeding habits. I'm not listening, because my eardrums seem suddenly to resonate with a high, full, blue-white keening -- the sound of the shame, perhaps, that another should be feeling but isn't, so the universe decides to thrust it upon you in that sort of balancing-out that makes everything always seem so unfair.

Tension bleeds out of the store when he wheels his spoils out the automatic door.

"Hi, how are you?"

Good, thanks." I'm shopping for a potluck at work, so I've got four items.

"And your Rewards Card?"

I give her my phone number.

"Okay, that'll be $21.78."

Like an old lady, I've always got exact change.

She smiles. "Well that makes my job easier!"

"Darn, I was hoping we could have a really awkward conversation about your ethnicity."

Yeah, she lost it. I think there were tears. She could get me my receipt, but couldn't manage the "thankshaveaniceday" part. Oh well.

posted by teh l4m3 at 4:35 PM | Permalink | 13 be jibber-jabberin'

1st and 2nd Best Albums of 2006

Ore : 9:57 AM

So many are deserving (do me, Hamilton Leithauser. Stick it in, Jake Shears.) Some were a little too flash-in-the-pan (wherefore art thou, Louis XIV? And stick around a little while, Cold War Kids.) Some are fellow blog-fiends who deserve far more recognition than they'll ever see in this lifetime (Bobby, will deep-throat for MP3s; let's cut lines and a deal...) And I admit to personal bias: as former generations of gheys have been Friends of Dorothy, so I count myself a Friend of Debbie. I love Velvet Underground, Carole King, Ann Murray, Prince, Thriller-era Michael Jackson, Carly Simon, the Kinks, the Jam, Ann Magnuson, Lou Reed, Joni Mitchell, Tori Amos (I know, I know...), and many others. Yes, my tastes are impeachable, but they are mine.

In light of this, here are the Freedom Camp Awards for First and Second Best musical acts of 2006, the artists who I felt showed the greatest artistry and showmanship (not to mention commercial savvy -- nothing wrong with that), and to whose music I simply couldn't stop listening:

When that notoriously fickle bitch Elton John is fawning over you, you know you got it goin' on. What we hear on this their sophomore venture is a stretching out, a building upon, which is in itself laudable. Where Hot Fuss was almost exclusively super-confident, bittersweet love songs, Sam's Town showcases a broader range of themes. This isn't always a good thing: the lyrics to "Uncle Jonny," for one thing, veer uncomfortably into early 10,000 Maniacs territory ("When everybody else refrained/My uncle Jonny did cocaine" -- yeah, okay, whatever Brandon.)

Nevertheless, nevertheless. The product as a whole is as polished and perfect in its Vegas theatricality as their debut release, but here there is more nuance, more uncertainty, underlain with a greater wisdom -- just a touch more grit, which was all they needed. The Killers' Sam's Town bears multiple listens quite well, is as close to pop perfection as you can get, and as far as I am concerned is the second best album of 2006. Highlights include the singles "When You Were Young" and "Bones," as well as "For Reasons Unknown" and "This River Is Wild."

The following act is dirtier, grittier, and artier, yet in its own way just as melodic and catchy. Frontwoman Karen O exudes the NYC vibe from her pores; she is the bizarrely stylish Factory girl to Brandon Flowers's stagey lounge lizard. She works well within her limited range, and indeed, in the upper register of the notes she achieves at the end of certain phrases, one can discern the faintest echo of the gilded brass tones of Judy Garland, as pure and warm as soundstage snow. And Nick Zinner's guitar work is otherworldly -- he may be a self-avowed "little vampire," but here he only gives, and quite generously.

And as the Killers seem to be inching towards experimentation with slightly more tense and more elaborate arrangements, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs underwent a sort of devolution; they did not rise from below, or move laterally, but fell from the sky with a new set of songs as poppy and driving as lullabies -- a maneuver first hinted at in last year's single, "Maps."

No album I've heard this year is so chock-full of radio-friendly, possible top-40 singles (eat it, the Strokes.) Every song is a winner. There isn't a false or faltering moment on the whole record. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Show Your Bones is the best rock album of 2006.

(Honorable mention goes to -- please don't hurt me -- Gwen Stefani's oddly hilarious new cash-grabby, single-cum-LAMB commercial, "Wind It Up." It's disjointed, undanceable, and utterly brilliant -- so awful it's great -- as much Philip Glass as it is Timbaland. Give the girl her propers.)

* * *

Some of you may be wondering why I'm only updating about three days a week; it's because my computer at home is brizzoke and I can only access the Superinfohighwayinterwebs from work (shhh!) And of course, I'm very poor. Donations for a new computer welcome: This is what I've got my eye on; I've put it on my wish list:

My Wish List

Anyone want to help?

posted by teh l4m3 at 9:57 AM | Permalink | 12 be jibber-jabberin'

Why Does He Seem Even Hotter Now That He's Married?

Ore : 10:12 AM

Tuesday eye-candy:

Q. Do you want to feel my skin/on your skin?

A. Oh. Hellz. YES!!!

posted by teh l4m3 at 10:12 AM | Permalink | 17 be jibber-jabberin'

Happy World GRIDS Day!

Ore : 10:33 AM

Pics linked:

Makgatho Mandela
Rock Hudson
Tina Chow
Ryan White
Magic Johnson

(I know the "good guys" won the last election, but it serves to keep your anger and pain fresh and focused...)

posted by teh l4m3 at 10:33 AM | Permalink | 5 be jibber-jabberin'

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